Sunday, December 30, 2007

The Revenge of the Dildos

Just so y’all know I torment my children with equality.

My son has recently started to date a very Christian girl. She has him going to church and has made him cut back on his partying. Even though I'm basically a Pagan, I think she is a good influence on my son who sometimes gets carried away with enjoying himself.

A couple of weeks ago he was bringing her home for the first time. I was under strict instructions not to have any of my sex toys and/or catalogs lying around the house. Just so you know I’m a “Slumber Parties” distributor. I don’t just leave dildos scattered hither and yon around the living room. That would be fun though, don’t you think?

Having just received a stock order of these:

I put them into a cardboard box and left it on a small table until I could put batteries in them to “test them out.” (*wink, wink*) The table happened to be by the DVD holder.
I then left to do something else. Leaving the room “dildo” free …. Kind of.

My son and his girlfriend come home, introductions were made and they decide to watch a movie. My son is a big boy, tall and solid. He is not particularly graceful and was nervous that his new girl was meeting his somewhat odd mother. Needless to say, as he went to get a DVD, he kicked the table and the vibrators, dildos, plus assorted lubes and lotions came flying out of the box all over the floor!

I only wished I had a camera to capture the look on his face. It was something like this:

His girlfriend initially had a “deer in the headlights” look but quickly dissolved into hysterical laughter and damn near passed out from laughing as my son made diving leaps to snatch up the toys and bottles. That “double header” is 18” long, about 4” around and is wobbly – I almost broke a vein in my head laughing at him with that one in his hand. He didn’t find the whole escapade too funny which made is so much better for me.

Somehow I feel like I scored a little “gotcha” for Tony as well as myself and gave him a dog/human high-5. It was a good day!

Saturday, December 22, 2007

I've been reading too many sex blogs.

The other day my daughter was relating yet another story about her crazy neighbor. My daughter & SIL live in a townhouse. The woman next door has exhibited bizarre behavior over the past 8 months they have lived there.

Apparently the woman was outside in the front of the townhouse on the cell phone. My daughter heard her talking on the way out to pick up her mail. Upon turning to go back into her house, my daughter actually saw the woman. She was still speaking on the cell phone but also urinating on the tree in her front yard!

Mothers can understand when I say that many times you listen to your children but their words dance happily along the outer surface of your ears and never really penetrate into the alert part of your brain.

I said to my daughter, her words cha-cha-ing in my ears, “Maybe she’s a slave or submissive and she’s on the phone completing an order from her Dominant.”

My camera wasn’t handy so I found this picture that captures the expression on my daughter’s face perfectly. My daughter is very beautiful. She holds no resemblance to this primate except for the look of total shock at her mother’s knowledge of such subjects.

My daughter is 30 and is a breast cancer survivor. She’ll deal with it. Eventually.

Monday, December 17, 2007


Friday, December 14, 2007

Menopause Shower

I’ve been futzing with my “first date” blog recently. I’m trying to get it the way I want it. In the middle of all this writing and editing, I got sick. Remembering that several people have praised the remedial qualities of Nyquil, I immediately began self-medicating. Oh! My! God! Nyquil dreams are the BEST!

My office is filled with marriageable and/or childbearing age women. I am sick to death of bridal and/or baby showers. I tired of buying gifts. Maybe I’m just selfish but my current idea is to have a “Menopause Shower.” The shower invitations would be on heavy cream-colored stock, copperplate engraved. Gifts would naturally be required, however only expensive jewelry, fine wines and exquisite chocolates would be accepted. Guests would be formally dressed and we would dine on expertly prepared cuisine made by the hunkiest top chef we could find. A ceremonial burning of Midol and tampons would close the evening. Don’tcha just LOVE this idea?

Back to the Nyquil dreams – I dreamt that my “Menopause Shower” was happening! It was fantastic. Bare chested hunks served me and my guests’ delicious champagne and hors d’oeuvres. Then they tended to us all through dinner and beyond. I never wanted to wake up. It was orgasmic!

Sadly, I did wake up to reality. I think I cried. I’m not sure because I needed another dose of Nyquil.