Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
|From A Dust Bunny In The Wind|
My son and his friend call Tim Tebow, the quarterback for the Florida Gators – Little Baby Jesus.
For some odd reason, I find that one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.
Women, please tell me why the fuck you send your clueless husband and sugar-high children to the grocery store? He has no idea what you want so he’s on the cell phone with you while the
Does the fact that Tiger Woods can’t keep his dick from sinking putts in every female hole he encounters really affect his golfing ability? Does anyone really care?
One of my absolute favorite things to do is give an amazing blow-job. I do them very, very well.
A woman I work with laughs CONSTANTLY. Even while she is talking. Nothing is that fucking funny and she gets on my last nerve.
Sometimes doing something nice, just because, gets you a little kiss from Karma. I made those Rolo Pretzels and brought some to the women in the shop that does my facials. They were a big hit and I got a free pedicure. Sweet!
Art said something that makes a whole lot of sense. He’s not religious, he’s spiritual. Art also gave me some fabulous chocolate from a local candy maker for Christmas. Can you guess what I gave him?
I have finally succumbed to the "Twilight" mania. I bought "Twilight" and "New Moon" books. (Just to keep things in perspective, I also finally got Rachel Green's "An Ungodly Child" which I've wanted forever!) Now, I adore a good vampire story but I was resistant about this whole "Twilight" thing because of the hype and because of teenagers. I haven't seen the movies and may not because that Robert Pattinson guy just isn't my idea of sexy. Brad Pitt, now HE'S a sexy vampire.
Is anybody else just skeeved out by those PSA commercials with some random male TV stars telling you to get your wife, girlfriend, etc. a PAP smear for Christmas or Hanukkah? Seriously, WTF?
Guess what? Tonic water with lime and gin makes me want to dance! At my office Christmas party, I danced like no one was watching. Just between us, I looked FABULOUS! (I love me some Spanx!) The DJ wanted to dance with me and when I said I was hot, as in hot from dancing, one of my co-workers (young) husband said, "Yes, you are!" He meant I was, "HOT!" It made me feel so good, I had another gin and tonic.
I'll be back on Thursday for the Three Wishes HNT. Right now I only have one thought out. Guess I'd better get my ass in gear for the other two!
Oh! FETLIFE is have one helluva giveaway. Go visit. NOW!
THESE are hysterical!
Friday, December 11, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
The sexy, wonderful Amorous Rocker is doing a fund raiser over at her place. Hit her up, it's for a good cause and it'll make you feel all warm and fuzzy!
Friday, December 4, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Oh, shit! I’ve lost the thread, haven’t I? Back to my trip to Chicago. It was blissfully cool, not quite cold, but cool. I could shower and walk from the bath to the bedroom without sweating like a Sumo wrestler. I got to wear jeans with boots and an actual sweater as Ron escorted me around the city and I was actually comfortable!
The city of Chicago reminds me of New York City but ratcheted down a couple levels. Not as crazy as NYC but close. I spend some time people watching on the corner of State Street and Randolph while Ron was taking care of some business. (He didn’t just leave me on the corner; I chose to be outside near Borders and a lovely teashop.) I was amused by the brazenness of the city pigeons and bike messengers. Both seem to have death wishes. Although, I pondered the possibility of breeding a pigeon to a bike messenger and coming up with the fastest, most insane (and ugly!) creature on earth.
The Chicago theatre district was cool. My tour guide(s) were excellent at pointing out landmarks and things of interest. I ate a bagel in the Thompson Center where scenes from the movie “Running Scared” were filmed. (Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines – hysterically funny!) The Navy Pier, of course is a “must see” but as I was told, it’s much busier and more exciting during the summer. I can understand that. Inside was a fantastic stained glass exhibit and outside on the lake, there was a very cool ship sailing by as you can see. From the Pier, you can look across Lake Michigan to Gary, Indiana. WOW! The weather was beautiful for the most part. I got to see plenty of trees getting dressed in their autumn finery during our walk near Northwestern University. My, my, some of those college guys looked good enough to eat with a spoon. Yummy!
Not only did I see Ron on this trip but I got to see an old friend from the Nickelback message boards that I’d seen a couple years ago. Wild and her daughter, Wilder came to have lunch and chat. Wild is younger than me and DAMN! Is she GORGEOUS! She looks even better than when we met in Florida. She is a good, funny, friend who happens to be an incredible writer. Her poems, to me, are legendary. Ages ago, she wrote a poem that was so damn erotic, I was embarrassed when I was all squirmy and aroused at the end finding out she was writing about a fucking DONUT! Neither of us saved the poem and I’ll be eternally pissed off about that. Oops! I’m off in the weeds again, sorry. Srsly, she is a great writer, I just wish she’d do it more often.
Thank you, Ron and Wild. Love you both! MmmmmmWAH!
I’m going to run this until December 1, 2009. I’m posting it here (Shhh! My blog is secret) on Facebook and on Twisted Pleasures.
Leave a comment. That’s all you have to do. One comment, one entry. If you want to get three (3) additional entries, donate $5.00 to my daughter’s team for the South Florida Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure to be held January 30, 2010.
I’ll put all the comments from all three locations into a random draw at Random.org and let the winner know by an announcement on each location.
Here’s what you get:
A “placemat” purse made by ME! This is a Ralph Lauren placemat made into a purse. It’s lined in a soft green with two slip pockets inside. Oxidized silver handles with a rose quartz breast cancer ribbon charm as the closure. The purse is approximately 13” x 7.5” x 4”. Handle drop is approximately 14.25”. Recycle in style, baby!
Four handmade glycerin Victorian rose heart soapies. They each measure 2 x 2 x 1/2 approximately. These soaps are made of pure vegetable glycerin soap and enriched with Aloe and Vitamin E. The scents and colorants I use are skin safe as well. Lavender scent. From Agony’s Decay at Etsy.
A 6 oz 100% SOY, TRIPLE SCENTED, LEAD FREE WICK Pink Sugar scent candle in a blue tin from Redneck Candles at Etsy.
A sample of 96% Organic Lavender Oil-Free Hydrating Serum from Spa Goddess at Etsy.
Organic Lavender & Aloe soothe & aid the regeneration of skin cells.
Use this ultra-healing Lavender serum as a soothing, lightly moisturizing, clarifying facial treatment.
Scent is richly Lavender with a subtle hint of apricot.
Lavender & Aloe soothe Rosacea and help heal & prevent blemishes. Clarifies pores for a cleaner, more refined appearance.
Apply a thin layer of Lavender Oil-Free Hydrating Serum after cleansing & toning. Use a facial spritz such as Angel Face Botanicals Lavender Mist to achieve an even application and follow with moisturizer. This serum will enhance your moisturizers therapeutic, emollient properties. For oilier skin try using the serum in place of moisturizer, or mixing it with a little bit of moisturizer.
A glass tube of Black Cherry scented incense with holder, Sephora “Precious Pink” lip gloss, Breast Cancer Awareness Rubber Duckie, a cool key fob (also made by ME!), a stuffed Breast Cancer Awareness teddy bear, a Mega-Mite waterproof vibrator, Dust Me Pink, edible body powder with feather duster in Barely Berry, a “surprise” goody bag and a ceramic “Thanks A Bunch” plaque.
Okay, get commenting (and donating, if you can and/or want to!) THANKS!
Sunday, October 25, 2009
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE
IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6.. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, A ND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY
34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
Now you know you're gonna really think about a couple of those, arent' you?
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
I'd like to pass along this award to:
Ron at *VENT*
Lady In Red
and Fire Byrd
* The sexy Steve at The Levi Store also saw fit to award me the Loyalty Award. I'm so lucky to have such great bloggers to read and who come to read mine. Thank you!
** The beautiful, sexy, funny, amazing Barefoot Dreamer bestowed the Award on me as well. I'm humbled and speechless. Thank you, beautiful!
Autumn and Morning Glory, those two Oh-So-Sexy-and-Smart-Babes, bestowed me with the You Are A Great Read! award. The rules are I have to tell you ten things I do every day and then pass it to ten others. So, here's 10 things I do every day:
2. Drink coffee
3. Meditate for a few minutes sending out positive thoughts and energy to those that need/want it.
4. Kiss my dog and rub his belly.
5. Swear at my crazy beagle.
7. Bitch about not winning the lottery.
9. Try to do something creative.
Am I just a ball-o-fire or what? Now these are some people that are really good reads and I love 'em. Check them out if they aren't already
on your list!
1. Apollo's Fire - I identify with him so much!
2. At Longing's End - Reading this blog makes me believe in true love.
3. Beyond The Birds and The Bees - Excellent blog for those of you with children and just an all around great read.
4. A Bit Player Reflects - What can I say about Spiky except she's AWESOME!
5. Brain Clouds and Memory Rain - A fellow zombie, with brilliant thoughts.
6. Joker - SATX - He definitely deserves this award for the second time.
7. Yes, I Am A Slut - Her adventures will make you hot and wet!
8. Jackie Adshead - An erotic artist and great writer. You HAVE to see her paintings.
9. Northern Lights and Sleepless Nights - A love story.
10. Welcome to My Secret Spot - Great HNT pics and interesting, insightful posts.
That other HOT guy that wears jeans, Steve at The Levi Store, also gave me his coveted Gold Button Award for clever comments:
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
I went to lunch with an old friend the other day. I’ve known her for over twenty years.
We met at work and had a few things in common at that time. We were both married young, had a boy and girl, were from New York, and liked to sew and to do needlework. So, we got on very well. I see her for lunch about once every two months. But recently, I’ve noticed the differences we have are beginning to grow exponentially to our similarities.
"Notoriously insensitive to subtle shifts in moods, children will persist in discussing the color of a recently sighted cement mixer long after one's interest in the topic has waned”
~ Fran Lebowitz
We also have never discussed anything about sex. Ever. I just know that my views on polyamorous relationships, sex for recreation, being submissive, aggressive sex, sex blogs, etc. would give her apoplexy. She went to church to say a novena when I became a Slumber Parties distributor. Any chatting about the qualities of vibrators, lubes and restraints is out of the question.
Friday, September 25, 2009
see more Lolcats and funny pictures
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
I was excited to be going. I miss the fall and missed The City. A day trip to and apple farm and another trip into Manhattan by train were planned. My daughter was also looking forward to making this trip. Although she was born in Florida, New York has always been close to her heart.
The day began like any other, except I’d taken off work to bring my son to the dentist and run pre-trip errands. On the way to school after the dentist appointment, we were listening to “The Bob & Tom Show”. During the middle of one of their discussions, either Bob or Tom announced there was a fire burning in The World Trade Center in New York, There was obvious confusion and much discussion taking place in the radio studio. Minutes later one of them said the words that froze my soul – “It’s believed that a plane has crashed into one of the towers.” Life as we knew it would never be the same.
There are occurrences in our lives that will stay with us as long as we live. Most of the time the events are of a personal nature but there are always a few that will encompass the world. For me, I can remember the entire scenario when I was told my father died. The same goes for when President Kennedy was assassinated and lastly, when it was known that brutal terrorists attacked the United States. The first two life altering events happened when I was very young so the pain and shock have been worn smooth by time. Not so with the events of September 11, 2001.
The advent of 24/7/365 news and technological advances made the attack photographs and breaking news ever present. The horror of watching the towers burn then fall knowing that innocent people were dying was almost too much to bear. The shock of knowing that=2 0other countries hated the U.S. enough to attack us using airplanes and unknowing civilians was mind numbing. Not only was New York a target as we came to learn but Washington, DC and other targets never (?) to be revealed.
Days passed before I was able to reach my sister by telephone. My nephew and niece both worked in Manhattan; cold fear was in me until I finally knew they both were fine. My niece was not near the World Trade Center but my nephew was. He was one of the many, unhurt, but dazed people that walked uptown, covered in ash, debris and who knows what else, to escape the terror. He found a bar that was open and sat there drinking to dull his emotions. He said it was quiet in there even as more of the walking wounded piled in. There was nothing to say because no one could form rational thoughts. Not yet.
The silence in the skies made me wonder if my daughter and I would get to my nieces wedding. It was wait and see for several days but we were allowed to fly. New security regulations were in effect. Mostly chaos rules security. Panic, worry, fear were all present in the Florida and NY airports. It was actually the best time to fly anywhere, I think. Landing in Westchester, which is north of the city, we didn’t get a first hand look at the two main airports. We did get to visit New York City. It was almost unrecognizable as THE city that pulses with energy, day and night. It was still pulsing but with fear and sadness.
Grand Central Station still teemed with people but they were cautious and respectful. On the streets were more police than I’ve ever seen. Heavy equipment operators, construction workers, National Guard, tourists and residents were out, doing what they needed to do. To see men and women in military uniforms walking down Broadway with rifles was disconcerting and terrifying. But what made our hearts stop were the “Missing” posters/pictures – everywhere. At that time, there was still hope that people in the towers might be trapped but still, maybe alive.
There was no going downtown; we stayed north of 42nd Street. While we walked and walked and walked, we did enjoy the time spent in Manhattan but we knew it would never be the same.
Reading the newspapers was also an exercise in misery. Page upon page of obituaries. Men, women and children with different birth dates but with the same date of death – September 11, 2001.
I took some time to visit my mother’s and father’s grave. I’ve never been to a cemetery so “active”. Funerals were being held all day. A number of firemen were being interred there, the lone piper played. The bagpipe doesn’t really produce a beautiful sound on the best of occasions but it was hauntingly mournful that day.
My niece got married. The rest of our visit was pleasant and uneventful. The events that took place only a few days before were present every minute of everyday. The attacks were one of those moments that will stay in the mind of every person old enough to remember them. And we should remember.
I’ve often said I’m not a politically savvy person. I have no grand plan or answers for what happened then and what might happen in the future. Americans seem to become apathetic fairly quickly. I only know that it should never, ever happen again. That is the reason we need to remember the horror, the pain, the unbelievable, the incomprehensible actions that took place on September 11, 2001.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
This vibe is so fucking cool! You can wirelessly use it hooked up to your mp3 player or home music system to have personalized orgasm after orgasm. Or, you can use one of the seven (7) programmed vibrations without music. After trying the Freestyle out both ways, I want to marry this vibe!
Here’s the technical stuff:
The Freestyle measures 8.25” long, 5.75” insertable, and 1 1/8” in diameter. Molded from premium grade hypoallergenic non-toxic, non porous ABS plastic with a PU coating. Chrome finish detail. Rechargeable battery. 2 hours charge time for up to 5 hours of play time! The Freestyle comes with a 2.4GHz (RF) wireless transmitter with 2 AAA batteries. 12” (30cm) 3.5mm connector cable for home audio AUX-input. Custom travel case. Universal charger with adapters for EU, UK & AU/NZ and the instruction manual. I love the pretty deep raspberry color. Freestyle is phthalate free and pretty quiet. It’s splash proof but not waterproof. Compatible with all iPods, iPhone, mp3 players and home audio systems. 1 year manufacturer’s warranty.
The Freestyle feels nice. It’s smooth, hefty and silky. The PU coating gives it almost a skin-like feel and allows you to use minimal lube. I used a water-based lube. Clean-up was very easy using Babeland toy cleaner and a soft cloth.
Since my review is a day late, y’all know I was having a fantastic time with the Freestyle.
I had it and my iPod all charged up and ready to go yesterday morning. I put in my ear buds, cranked up the volume and inserted the Freestyle into my very anxious pussy. My fucking Chad Kroeger fantasy started with “Burn It to the Ground’ and continued through “S.E.X.” I may never actually fuck Chad but using the Freestyle that hit my g-spot with delicious intensity with every note of the music, is just about the next best thing. I’m not easily orgasmic and love to have my clit
stimulated, REALLY stimulated – the Freestyle and my iPod had my clit totally, completely satisfied with pounding, tickling, rumbling vibrations. Somewhere during the middle of “Light My Fire”, I passed over to orgasm Valhalla and believe I touched the face of Jim Morrison. The Freestyle with my iPod playlist gave me several amazing orgasms but that last one blew me away.
I have many, many toys and I’m so impressed with this vibrator. It feels so good slipping in and out of my vagina. The weight and girth are just perfect. I came so many times that I was glad I used a thick towel on the bed and never needed to reapply any lube. When I used the tip of the vibe on my clit, the intensity proved equally strong throughout the length of the Freestyle.
After going through my playlist, I decided to call a friend in the interest of science to have some phone fun going through the 7 delicious vibrations of the Freestyle without using the wireless music function.
With him talking dirty to me, I was amazed at the variety and once again, the intensity of vibrations the Freestyle offered. Some more equally intense orgasms followed until, I just was wrung out but very, very content.
The Freestyle vibrator is an investment. It’s not cheap but it's worth every penny, in my opinion. It is a quality product that will last and give you hours, days, weeks, months, and years of pleasure. Up until August 26th, Babeland is offering discounts on purchases and the Freestyle comes with a free gift of 2 ounces of Babeland Lube. And remember, Christmas (or your celebrated holiday) is coming!
I’m looking forward to using the vibe with my partner because he doesn’t think I can dance. He’ll think differently when he sees me moving like Shakira all over the bed or the floor or the couch! The Freestyle definitely gets me moving in many ways.
Friday, August 7, 2009
A few months ago, I was the lucky winner over on DJ Kirkby’s blog of “Black Boxes” by Caroline Smailes. Caroline was kind enough to send me the signed copy which I flipped through, a bit intrigued by the format of the writing style and then put in my “To Read” pile.
Monday I started to read Black Boxes and found that I couldn’t stop reading until I finished it! My first impression of Ana was that she was just a weak woman who fell in love with the wrong man. I didn’t like her very much. I really didn’t like Alex who was just plain horrid. What did Ana see in him? Why would she love such a bastard?
Opening “Black Boxes” is like opening Pandora’s Box. Thoughts and emotions start to fly all over the place. This book is tragic, painful, enlightening and even though the majority of women and/or men who read it are not as on the edge as Ana and Alex, they’ll recognize a wee bit of themselves in the characters. I know I did.
I went from disliking Ana to pitying her to being angry for her. She was a house of cards to begin with and through her narrative, I was able to see her fall totally apart. Her anguished silent screams for help were never heard. Perhaps that’s the reason she chose Alex, he was self-absorbed and dominated by a woman he probably hated but felt powerless against. Thus, I think he was drawn to Ana whom he would be able to ignore and abuse to feed his need for self-worth. I never came to like Alex at all. I only felt increasing anger towards him.
Personally, I could relate to Ana’s post-partum depression and her feeling of being trapped. It was a scary look inside myself. But I realized I also felt
superior to her because I gave up the dream of “happily ever after” a long time ago and I was, nor will I be such a fragile woman.
Whatever the back-story is that made Ana and Alex the people they were and what they became is what kept me thinking.
Black Boxes is an excellent read. Even though there are no real monsters, it’s frightening. In addition, although there is no real hero or heroine, I think you’ll feel a sense of victory because you have read this book and got a glimpse of a life you (hopefully) aren’t taking part in.
Caroline Smailes has another book, “In Search of Adam”, that I believe I’ll be reading shortly.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
2. Complete the lists of 8s.
8 Places I'd Like to Travel : 1. Australia, 2.
Scotland, 3. England, 4. Arizona, 5. Colorado, 6. Canada, 7. Barbados, 8. Over the rainbow
8. Places I've Lived: 1. Mamaroneck, 2. Peekskill, 3. Ossining, 4. Dania, 5. Hollywood, 6. Coral Springs, 7. Port St. Lucie
8 People I've Tagged But Who Don't Have To Do It If They Don't Want To:
1. Ronjazz, 2. Ron @ Vent, 3. Autumn, 4. Lily, 5. Butterfly, 6. Indigo, 7. Sorrow, 8. Sage
Friday, July 3, 2009
Ladies, in my opinion, we have been sold a bill of goods, a pig in the poke, the Brooklyn Bridge. Feminism, Woman’s Rights – blah, blah, blah, is a huge crock of shit.
I know you’re probably totally shocked at this notion. Initially, I was too. However, after 3 or 4 gin & tonics the whole devious plot became crystal clear.
Picture this – some well-heeled guys in a “Men’s Club” a la Randolph and Mortimer Duke in “Trading Places”. They’re all comfy in big leather chairs drinking single malt Scotch, smoking Cuban cigars, back in the mid- 1960’s.
Guy 1: You know, this birth control pill is going to let women slut around like we do.
Guy 2: Yeah, next thing you know they’ll be wanting our jobs.
Guy 3: Well, you know during WWII, the women did take our jobs and some of them really liked it.
Guy 2: Shit! We gave ‘em voting rights and now they want everything!
Guy 1: (Thoughtfully) They liked working and taking care of children and the house? I wonder if there is some way we could get ‘em to do everything all the time?
Guys 2&3: WHAT!?! Why the hell would anyone want to do all that, all the time? That’s just crazy talk. Plus, women can’t do “real” work like men.
Guy 1: But what if we could make them think that they could do it all? We MARKET the whole idea really well, present it in a great package, appeal to their minds and reinforce it constantly? Think about it, wives and girlfriends are out working, trying to reach the top of their chosen professions because we told them they could, they come home to take care of the house and kids, we get ‘em to keep in shape on top of it all, they’ll be so damn busy all the time that they’ll leave us alone and we can do whatever we want!
Guy 2: It could work but I think we’d have to make some token efforts to “help.”
Guy 3: Yeah, but we’ll be so “inept” that we’ll try really hard *snigger* but screw things up so badly that they’ll end up doing it themselves.
And this is how the most nefarious plot in history began.
Oh!, yes, my sisters. The majority of us got sucked in to some extent. There are those that definitely managed to achieve the status of “Super Woman.” The rest of us just were fooled into believing that we could do it.
The TV show “Wonder Woman” gave us a great visual and we thought, “I can be that woman!” We played right into the hands of the men by watching “That Girl” and “The Mary Tyler Moore Show.” Those shows led us to believe that working, taking care of business and dating was madcap fun. Those “guys” gave us wings – on our mini-pads, pantyhose, mini-skirts, plastic applicators and go-go boots. And even our own cigarettes! We were intoxicated with the power and if that wasn’t enough, they bestowed us with two idols for us to worship – Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem!
In my vision of how life is, these two weren’t goddesses because they were actually, … (wait for it …) … MEN! Yes. Men. Groomed to head the revolution by men, for men, they were false prophets in drag. Take a long look at them. Men, I tell you, MEN!. “Ms.” Friedan and Steinem preached that we were powerful, strong and smart. Didn’t we know that already? We’re strong enough to carry a human being in our bodies, powerful enough to push it out of a very tiny opening and then magically produce food to nourish this offspring and smart enough (well, most of us) not to do it again! That’s what the birth control pill was for. (That and so we could slut around like men (before HIV/AIDS and crazy STD’s) because, dammit, we like fucking, too! )
Instead of using our keen wits to keep as much free time to ourselves as possible, like lemmings, we followed the preaching of these two charlatans. We really gave up our power to persuade, our talent for guile, to become “Super Woman.” We didn’t even get the cool bullet deflecting bracelets or that nifty lasso, did we? Nope. Most of us didn’t get Lynda Carter’s killer boobs, either. (I have another theory about bras and boobs, but I’ll save it for another time.)
What we got was the shaft. Peter Steele’s shaft would’ve been nice but, NO! We all toddled into a bottomless shaft of careers, being wives/mothers, jobs, teacher, driver, entertainment chairwoman, CEO, CFO, negotiator, chief cook and bottle washer. Butcher, baker …
Men were joyous! They could forgo all decision making. When there was a fuck-up, they could blame women. They could slack off with work because we were, “bringing home the bacon and frying it up in a pan.” Of course something important would come up for then when it was time to drive to dance rehearsal or the dentist or stay home if the kids were sick. Remember, WOMEN CAN DO AND HAVE IT ALL!
So, can we have/do/be all? Apparently not. A brilliant woman spoke on TV the other day verifying my hypothesis. I didn’t get to watch the whole segment because I had to do some dishes, walk the dogs, fold laundry and clean the cat box before I went to work. The gist of it is that thirty-something years ago when all this malarkey about being the willing, the knowing able to accomplish the impossible with nothing crap got started we were too brainwashed to realize that all we were going to get was exhausted, frustrated and angry. And we’d be hungry. Hungry because all the while we were changing the world, we still had to look gorgeous and be able to do it all day, everyday in fuck-me-pumps. (Hello? Manolo Blahnik, Jimmy Choo, Steve Madden – MEN!)
I do realize that some women have been able to become the Betty Friedan/Gloria Steinem ideal. Good for them. Me, I’m a total failure at it. I suck at multi-tasking. I never wanted to be in charge of anything or anyone. I wanted to be an artist. Yes, I know that I made my own decisions. I had free will and all that crap. Nevertheless, I think things should have been left alone. Since everyone (pretty much) has free will, the women that wanted to could have fought the good fight and the ones that liked the men bringing home the money, mowing the lawn, playing golf, coulda just stayed home to look after the children, go to yoga, fuck the pool boy, and bake cookies. You know, the Donna Reed woman. I should have just kept my intelligence and abilities under wraps. I should have only let them out in small measure. On the other hand, I could have just been very selfish and done it all, been it all only for me. *I* know *I* would have appreciated me!
One of my nightmares is seeing Gloria and perhaps Janeane Garofalo (since dear Betty is gone. Hopefully to a suitable “reward”) sitting in leather chairs, drinking Scotch. Gloria is scratching her junk and they are both laughing as discuss the change they hath wrought. Bitches!
Since change is the only constant in life, I think that I’ll use what brains and life force I have left to engage my brilliance, ingenuity and passion to figure out a way to settle the score – a way to have it all but have it MY way! I know I’ll do it because, after all, I am a woman...
And I’ve got gin!