New Drugs for Women

DAMNITOL ~ Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN ~ Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT ~ Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO ~ Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL ~ When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR ~ Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN ~ Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person."

BUYAGRA ~ Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN ~ Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT ~ A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT ~ When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.