Friday, July 16, 2010

Bram Knew It - Teenagers = Vampires!

Since I love to read, I read all sorts of books, magazines, news articles and blogs. When I’m choosing books, I tend to go for fiction but I’m not adverse to history, biographies and autobiographies. True crime, horror and mystery stories are favorites. I like to read blogs, too. I enjoy all my devilishly sexy sex bloggers but I also enjoy humor blogs, crafting blogs and the occasional “mommy” blog.

 I delight in reading mommy blogs because most of the children written about are pre-adolescent. While young children can, give you problems and worries, they are really minor compared to children in puberty and beyond. When the mommy bloggers start to whine about Little Johnny not sleeping through the night or Little Betsy falling behind at her Montessori school because she’s can’t count to 11 in Swahili, I giggle and guffaw with total abandon. I also have another beer because I’m so freakin’ happy I’ll never, ever have to go through raising children again. What these unaware mothers don’t know is that when Little Johnny and Betsy get to around age 13, they are going to transform into something unrecognizable as human. Some weird chemical reaction between sprouting pubes and the brain causes your cute little boy or girl to become a monster.

It was when my daughter turned 13 and then eight years later when my son turned 13, that my love of horror novels formed a seed of an idea in my head. It had been slowing growing then when I discovered “mommy” blogs and began reading the “Twilight” series, the seed really grew. Are you ready for this, readers? Bram Stoker had a teenager. Yup, the father of all vampires had a teenager. His son’s name was Irving... Bram knew the agony of adolescence and turned it into a book. The man made money off of his son. I knew he was brilliant but never realized how brilliant. It’s a rare parent that can make money off a teenager. Anyone who has or had a teenager knows they are actually a black hole into which you throw money. Irving was born in 1879. Bram published "Dracula" in 1897; Irving was turning 18 that year. Father Stoker had survived through almost all his son's teenage years and used that information to write a book that although fiction was based in fact. Brilliant!

Nothing sucks the life out of you like a teenager. They are moody, angsty, pains in the neck (or ass, depending on where you like to get bitten.) One minute you see your bright youngster on the verge of adulthood, happy and getting A’s in all their classes at school. You have visions of standing on the podium with him/her as they take the Oath of Office. Blink you eyes and you see before you a drooling troll that you just know will be on the FBI’s 10 Most Wanted list soon.

They are hungry. No, they are RAVENOUS! If it’s not moving quickly, it gets eaten. Having a full working farm and/or owning a grocery store helps if you have a teenager. They can eat 24/7 and not gain an ounce. Of course, my readers, we know THAT won’t last but it brings me to my next point – They are omniscient. They know absolutely EVERYTHING! They have no shame and will point out at every available instance how pitiful your life experience is to theirs. You have absolutely no idea what it’s like out in the world. Their incredible brainpower can’t comprehend how you actually made it to adulthood and are incredulous at the fact that two such disappointing specimens managed to create such a marvel as them. They can make you bat-shit crazy, over and over and over until you start to feel like Renfield.

They think they are immortal. Teenagers not only push the envelope but they rip it off, chew it up and spit it out. They will do things that any reasonable human being knows are potentially dangerous, even deadly, with no thought other than that it might be fun. Jumping off a cliff into an unknown depth of water below- absolutely! Driving a car at 100 plus miles an hour because the road was straight, up until it curved – you betcha! Trying a drug because it’s there – bring it on!

They are creatures of the night. Like vampires, teenagers seem to come to life after the sun goes down. They prowl about in the dark looking for food or entertainment. Many times the two things can be the same. They also sleep like the dead when the sun is up. Don’t believe me? Try waking a teenager up for school.  When they do venture out of their coffin-like rooms while the sun is up, they look pale and red-eyed.  Probably from being up all night eating and staring at computer screens.  Bram's kid didn't have a computer so his vampire look would come from trying to read Victorian porn by candlelight I'm guessing.

They are evil. Listen in on a teenage girl talking about her “friends” or about the boy that dumped her. Hell hath no fury like a burned teenage girl. Ditched, dumped, dissed teenagers - male or female, are savages.  They'll rip someone apart like a pack of starving hyenas and then casually pick their teeth with your broken bones.  They also tend to treat others, parents, teachers, others in authority as so many minions.  Until such time as the minions bitch-slap them for being so fucking insolent. Then they retreat into themselves plotting revenge.

Bram Stoker observed all this and realized that teenagers and the mythical vampire were almost identical. He wrote it down added some embellishment, smoothed out the rough edges and Bob’s your uncle – had himself a bestseller! Well, that’s my theory, anyway.

    Bram’s Dracula wasn’t particularly romantic. He certainly didn't "sparkle". Parents of teenagers know that they NEVER "sparkle".  Bram was spot on with his interpretation of the teenager/vampire.  Dark, brooding, moody, mercurial, life-sucking.  The more modern versions are sexy, romantic, have feelings and are all young. I’m thinking that’s because the authors don’t have teenagers.


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11 blew out from under the bed:

fairyhedgehog said...

So very, very funny!

Jackie Adshead said...

Wow! That's so spot on, I'm sitting here astounded at your insight!!!! There is underlying humour in your tale, but also, in the background, the sight of you licking your wounds, mental and physical, as well!

Well done, for spotting the vampires amongst us.... ! :)

Akelamalu said...

Very funny and very insightful. :)

Ron said...

What a FREAKIN' FAAAAABULOUS post, Nitebryd!

Both hysterical AND so informative. WOW....I had no idea about Bram Stokers' son?!?!?

And I just about peed my pants reading...

"I also have another beer because I’m so freakin’ happy I’ll never, ever have to go through raising children again."


Cheers, Sis!

X ya bunches!

Fat Controller said...

So you know my two then, do you? LOL!!! This is so spot on, especially the bit about not emerging from their pits until after dark!

It's comforting, and at the same time a bit scary, to know that our pair aren't unique!

Bella said...

Oh no. This makes me dread what I have to look forward to, but also glad that we are only having one kid. Heh.

Indi said...

nitebyrd ~ Vampires rock. I had teenagers once, they are through that now but as for the moods, they can still be scary some times... but then they are my aff spring so that probabloy explains it!! Hahahahahahaha . . hey girl how ya duin? Miss me?



tattytiara said...

Oh very true, and don't forget that they can't see themselves in mirrors! I mean they obviously see something in them, but it sure as hell never seems to be what the rest of us are looking at.

Jeff B said...

As a father of two sons (the eldest is twelve) I feel soooo much better now having read this.

Thanks for the view into my future.


Ronjazz said...

Never been a father, but I can appreciate the humor here!

nitebyrd said...

fairyhedgehog ~ It's funny to look back on those days, now!

Jackie ~ Yeah, no matter how old, your kids are always your kids. I'm just so damn happy I'll never have to do raise 'em again!

Akelamalu ~ Thank you. Those long nights waiting up for a wayward teen helped with the creative process!

Ron ~ Thanks! There was a screaming kid along with one of those sullen teens in Publix today and my heart did a little pitter-pat of joy that they weren't mine!

FC ~ LOL! Teenagers are teenagers no matter where they are, I think. There are always exceptions to the rule but not many.

Bella ~ BWWWAHAHAHAHHA! Cheers, dear! ;)

Indi ~ Vampires do rock, indeed. I'm a tad more partial to zombies but that doesn't occur until one has been beaten over the head by life for awhile! Yes, I did miss you. I'm so glad you had such a wonderful time in Canada!

tattytiara ~ That's very true. I thought about that the first time my son shaved his head and thought it looked ... "excellent!" *sigh*

Jeff ~ Glad I could help. My job here is done! LOL

Ronjazz ~ Thank you.