Friday, March 2, 2012


 Last Thursday, my son and his girlfriend, who are currently living with Mulder and I, announced they were having a baby.

Even freshly washed and removed from all confections, children tend to be sticky.
~ Fran Lebowitz

I'm not a “kid” person. Never have been. Calm down, I love/loved my own children. Although, if you put a gun to my head, I couldn't give you one reason why I had children other than - “Because ...” 

I do not hold other peoples babies. I don't go out of my way to check out a cute infant or child. I have no clue how to converse in “baby talk”. I've always spoken to children as if they are adults. (Actually, they tend to like that.) My eyes roll back in my head when co-workers and friends speak at length about the adorableness of their grandchildren. Needless to say, the news that I was going to be!!!A GRANDMOTHER!!!, came as a shock. Especially since the announcement came from my son and not my daughter. 

Before you think I'm a horrid person, I did have approximately 12.9 seconds of pure unadulterated joy. It was the same rush of excitement and happiness I felt when I was eight years old receiving a Chatty Cathy doll for my birthday. That was the Martha personality zooming forward. But then Lizzie took over and I looked into the gaping maw of fear, uncertainty and worry. The Abyss loomed dark and deep with no end. It does have daisies growing in it, though.

So, there you have it. My child is having a child. Joy and horror. Happiness and terror. Martha and Lizzie. That's me. Dark, twisted, silly, funny, an optimistic pessimist - no wonder I'm exhausted.

I'll be accompanying my son's girlfriend to the OB today for her first sonogram. Martha and Lizzie are raging in my head. I did smack Lizzie down long enough to buy the cutest set of onesies in Target the other day. I don't know what the future will be. Oh! How I wish I did. I'm wrangling the negative down and trying (desperately!) on the positive. I do know that I will NOT be called – grandma, granny, noni, mama, grandmother, etc. I will simply be called, Grand. 

Because I'm the grandest fucking person EVER! At least that's what I keep telling myself.

16 blew out from under the bed:

Sorrow said...

Holy shit.
Can I say better you and not me with out getting smacked?
Holy shit...
walk away from the edge,
put down the butter knife,
WTF are Onesies?

Fat Controller said...

Well, congratulations Grand! Like my mum always says, the best thing about being a grandmother is that you get to GIVE THEM BACK AGAIN!

Zombie Queen said...

I have three kids and I'm definitely not much of a kid person. I love my own to death but other children make me uncomfortable and irritate the hell out of me. People always look at me oddly when I tell them I'm not a "kid" person.

Anyways, congrats!! I hear being a GRANDma is awesome stuff :)

Dianne said...

I adore children
I talk to any and all almost to the point of looking like a child napper
I wave at babies in traffic
I give back the finger to kids on school buses and cuss at them until they laugh
I never talk baby talk nor do I think all babies are beautiful, I actually like the ugly ones better

I am an annoying Nana yet my stories are usually funny and I don't think she's the most perfect child, I think they're all perfect

all that said I still totally get what you're saying and have my Lizzie days

plus as much joy as you want to feel for people bringing another one into the world you also want to say WTF!! do you see what's going on? do you have a million dollars? and more time than it took to build the pyramids

yet it all sorta, kinda works out

I love ya Grand :)

Ron said...



And I absolutely freakin' love this....

"Because I'm the grandest fucking person EVER!"


Oh, but I have a funny feeling that when you see that grandchild you're going to turn all mushy and lovey-dovey.

I adore children, truly I do. But I make a much better Uncle Ronnie than I would a Daddy Ronnie.

Again...CONGRATS to you and your family!

X ya, Sis!

UP said...

I am quite sure you'll be the coolest Granma Evah!


BlacknickSculpture said...

Congratulations! Grand sounds cool. I hope you can make the name stick ;) Scary thought but I know what a onesie is LOL!

Anonymous said...

Well all the same congrats.

Anonymous said...'s fleeting moments of 12.9 seconds of unadulterated joy. Too often we wait so long for them. Too often, it takes 13 seconds for me to realize that one has arrived (Damn, that was one right there, and I MISSED IT).

I like the dark (pessimistic) side. I will add the perfect complimentary personality trait – cynicism. It is where I live and thrive. It is where a person is truly honest and prepared and realistic. It can make others run away from you, however those who are left ARE your truest friends in life. Yup, I‘m good with that.

Maybe I’ll even get 12.9 seconds outta thinking about it.

P.S.: Congratulations.

Akelamalu said...


Just wait until that baby arrives, all your preconceived ideas will fly straight out of the window. ;)

Indi said...

nitebyrd ~ arrrrrr little kiddies... they're lovely aren't they? But great when you can return them at the end of the day...



Mortuis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mortuis said...

My younger brother once referred to a baby as, quote, "that gourd-shaped thing in your living room", unquote. He also posited that babies are born without a brain; in its place is a drool gland. Despite this, he reproduced himself, to the detriment of himself and the baby.

Me? I have two cats and a big doofy fog and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Mortuis said...

'Scuse me... that should have been a big doofy DOG... guess I was in a fog myself.

CrystalChick said...

OH, Grand, you will adore your child's child! I was not having any of that granny, grammy, grandma stuff either... I chose Mimi. It's not my nickname, I'm not French, it just sounded cooler (and younger) than any of the other options.
When my daughter first told me she was pregnant, there were some Lizzie moments. Pure joy took over soon though and it's been a wonderful experience for all of us.

Best wishes! xo

Anonymous said...

Congratulations. You ARE grand. That is for certain!