Friday, September 19, 2008

Piss, Moan and Apologize

Hi! How y’all doin’? Good? Sick? Shitty? Happy? Psychotic? Giddy?

You can tell me because I’m going to tell you how I’m doing. So grab a comfy chair and some cheese, I’m going to supply the whine!

By nature, I’m not a happy-go-lucky person. I worry. A lot. About EVERYTHING (the ozone layer, penguins, the economy - Oh! Sweet Jesus, the fucking economy!, Obama or McCain? Will the Dolphins ever win a fucking game? Is this really organic? Gods! I’m fat!), gas prices . I tend to think and over think. Spontaneity isn’t something that I have in me. I like a plan. For many years prior to Mulders “unwise career decision”, I was unhappy. Very, very unhappy. (Clinically depressed, actually.) I felt trapped, hopeless, despondent, and miserable but way down deep, in the depths of me, “something” was trying to be born. Since the “unwise career decision” has come and gone, although with lingering effects, that “something” has birthed itself and is continuing to grow within me. (No, I haven’t gone all “Alien” on you!) So, now here I am with two separate, totally opposite “selves.” I’ve named them ~ Martha (for Stewart), the old “me.” Martha is the perfectionist, the good wife and mother, Betty Crocker, Suzy Homemaker, Florence Nightingale, Eleanor Roosevelt … you get the idea. Lizzie (for Borden) is the “new” me, she’s one fucking, crazy, bitch. Lizzie is the younger of the two. She’s devil-may-care, going to hell in a hand basket; Fuck the Establishment, stick-it-to-the-man, Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll, PAAAAAARRRR-TAY! Type of woman. You can see where having these two constantly wrestling for dominance is disconcerting at times. Before you call an army of Psychiatrists or break out the butterfly net, neither Martha nor Lizzie are actual separate people that pop out at different times to deal with my life. They are me, I am them. We are just one (psycho?) person.

Since I’ve been living with Martha and Lizzie for awhile now, I’ve come up with several “plans” for my life. One year ago, I had rented an apartment, was leaving Mulder and selling sex toys (Slumber Parties). Lizzie was extremely dominant at that time. I stopped worrying about every fucking thing, couldn’t have cared less about foreclosure, bankruptcy, vehicle repossession or much else. I was off to be single, have fun, kick some ass, and enjoy myself. Mulder’s epiphany changed that plan. He talked to me for the first time in 34 years and we decided to give the relationship a go. No, I wouldn’t re-marry him and Yes, I was going to keep dating. So far, we’ve made some progress in our relationship but basically, in my opinion, it’s two steps forward, one step backwards. We seem to be at a lull in progress right now. Being an optimistic pessimist, I’m sure things will proceed once I can get a balance between Martha, Lizzie and the NEW plan I’m on.

A few months after Mulder and I decided to live together, I felt the need to CHANGE my job. Even though I’ve worked, full-time, since I was 18 years old, I do NOT consider what I do and/or have done a career. I have “jobs.” In all those working years, 36 to be exact, I’ve had exactly 24 months “off.” Those months were in 1977, 1985 and 1999, for the birth of two children and relocation. Is it any wonder that I’m depressed and feel trapped like a rat? What I have done is started working part-time in my current job and am going to school to become and aesthetician. I’m going to break out of the office and make a living by rubbing people! How fucking awesome is that! I’ll be out and about, not stuck behind a desk listening to people scream about their doctor’s bill. I won’t even really have to talk to the clients because it’s supposed to be quiet while I soothe them and make them look beautiful! I’m very excited about this new, CAREER! Whoopee! I figure it’ll work well for all of me (us). When you give someone a facial, you transfer energy to them. I also get to wax. Legs, eyebrows, pubes. I’ve got nitebyrd, Martha and Lizzie energy. Those are going to be some facials and waxings, I think.

Now, here’s the problem. (Wait! You’re saying to yourself, she’s been whining and bitching for a long time here. Dear readers, what you’ve just read is the aperitif – here comes the Grappa. Get a big glass.) If you’d like, I’ll wait while y’all go pee and grab some more cheese.

Back? Ready? The problem is that I can’t get me (us) motivated and into a routine to get anything done in an orderly or at least, semi-orderly fashion! You know that old saying: You can’t teach an old dog new tricks? Well, you can, it’s just extremely difficult! I feel like a newly restored 1964 ½ Mustang. My exterior is sparkly and the engine is racing. I’m ready to go but have no wheels. Zip, nada, zilch – the only thing that I need to be tearing down the highway.

I go to school three nights a week, Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. I work two full days a week, Wednesday and Thursday. I’m off, Monday until 4:00, Tuesday’s and Friday’s, plus weekends. I cannot, simply cannot get onto a schedule. I forget to take my medication, walk the dogs late, neglect household chores and generally procrastinate. I found this little doll in Michael’s. I cannot believe that they actually used me without my permission. Click on it to see how I’m dealing with things lately.

This is where I’d like to apologize to all my favorite bloggers. I’ve been hit-and-miss lately. I don’t like to skim posts, I want to read with comprehension and understanding. If I feel like my thoughts are too scattered and that “Fun with Dick and Jane” is beyond me at that time, I won’t read or comment. Will y’all PLEASE forgive me for not being punctual in my blog reading and posting while this old dog is learning some new tricks?

In addition to the school and working, I’m still attempting to sell Slumber Parties and to make dolls. Lizzie, Martha and I NEED to be creative. It’s one of the few things we all agree on. I went to college to be an artist. Somewhere along the line, I lost the desire to be creative. During the time Lizzie was forming, the need to create was forming along with her. I hope to be able to invite you to my Etsy shop soon to see my creations. I believe you all know me well enough to figure out that my dolls won’t be Barbie or Betsy Wetsy type dolls. *Insert Evil Laugh*

I am trying - really, really trying, to get Martha to get her ass in gear and help with time-management. I have faith that we are going to work this all out and get on track with my life. While I know that what I’m dealing with may seem minor to some, it’s GINORMOUS to me. If you guys have some thoughts, suggestions and/or criticisms, please tell me. I’m figuring if you’ve read this far, you have to have some.

Do you still have eyes? They haven’t burnt out from reading all this, have they? The whining has come to an end. (Aren’t you overjoyed?) I’m going to go have a couple of Dead Guy Ales and tuck us all into bed.

By the way, if you happen to see my libido somewhere, send it back home.

‘K? Thanxbye!

Not to leave you without actually giving you something for your time – read this book!

17 blew out from under the bed:

Deech said...


First, take a couple of minutes and come to my blog today. You will find it will relieve your stress.

Secondly, please realize that all of these "What If's" are part of the game. Don't regret that you turned right when you should have made a left. Just get back on course. You will be fine.

Lastly, the relationship with Mulder has to be a two way street. You must support him and he must support you during times like these. If it isn't there, you have your answer as to where the relationship really exists.

Just go out there and make it do what it do babe!

eyes_only4him said...

sounds like u need a night out with me girl..One night out drinking with me and all your worries will be 4 me..

I hope it all gets better and u can work yourself into a good routine..

I went to school 4 the same thing..


Anonymous said...

I felt like I jumped out of my body and into your blog with this post.

I am these two girls. I am screaming, confused, disarray, fearful, strong and convicted.

My focus is lost. My task for completion has left me.

I feel so unresolved.

I am going to latch on to you for a while and hope I find myself while you find you.

Rupert said...

Awesome! With your two female selves, every session is a threesome! You're every man's dream come true!

Anonymous said...

My dear Ms. Nitebyrd - anais satire expressed my sentiments exactly. I was reading along and thinking how much this sounded just like me. But I also found myself thinking that you had taken steps to do some of the things that I have been desperately wanting to do myself (i.e., find more satisfcation in my job, my life, whatever) - only you are really doing them! That in itself shows your motivation. I think you're getting yourself in gear better than you feel you are. Maybe the worrier in you needs to quiet down a bit and let you take things one step at a time, no matter how slow or unorganized those steps may be. Because you are indeed taking steps and that does keep things moving.

Sorrow said...

That was a helluva rant, and I think Lizzie and martha need a margarita and 3 day weekend.
just saying, cause well, you are a sweetie,and blogging shouldn't be on your list of stress factors..
Maybe your libido and my libido are off eating chocolate together?
just saying, cause mine's been away a long time...

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Sweetie, I would love to cook you a meal, have some wine and dessert...just to slow your pace a tad. I learned this back on the farm.

Anyway sweetie, you'll figure it out along the way...just remember the important things...the things that mean the most to you.

You'll do're a clever girl.

Ciao babe.

Anndi said...

As much as I'd love to give you advice... I'm feeling pressure about life myself.

That night out idea sounds good to me.

You rock BTW. You've got a lot of chutzpah babe. I admire that.


Ron said...

Hello Miss Nitebyrd!

First of all....GREAT VENT!!!!

Let it out, baby...let it out!!!

It's good for ya!

Secondly, no need to ever apologize about blog visits and comments. We all have lives outside of blogging and they take first choice. I for one, don't visit and comment everyday...I just CAN't. Between my job, writing for two blogs and answering comments...I simply don't have the time. So I TOTALLY understand. And just know, that as far as I'm concerned, I enjoy whenever you read my blog - you get there, whenever you get there. So no pressure, ok? But thank you for your concern, that's so sweet of you!

Anyway..about your wonderful post.

I'd like to share something if you don't mind...

I too have felt this EXACT same way...MANY times. It feels as though a part of my life is moving at such a MANIC SPEED, yet at the same time, something inside feels like I'm standing still, not able to move; feeling as if everything is chaotic - and fighting with two different parts of myself.

I've discovered something about this feeling and it may or may not be true for you, so just think about it.

You see, it's always the feeling INSIDE (meaning, standing still/not moving) that's trying to get my attention whenever I feel like this.

To pull myself BACK to myself...and actually STAND STILL.

And the reason for the feeling of because I'm fighting with this feeling.

Whenever I go through times like this, it's usually because I'm trying to think and deal with too many things at once.

And it's not more motivation that I need...but more standing still, so that things become clearer to me.

Usually I find, that when I take the time to stand still...I can easily let go of the things that are not for my best...and keep the things that are.

Sometimes doing something completely different from my everyday routine, helps to clear my head and that I can see things differently and even relax.

You're a VERY talented, vibrant and gifted lady, Nitebyrd. And I think you're at a WONDERFUL time of discovery and growth right now. It's like you're tapping into your own wonderful freedom!

Love ya!

Indi said...

Firstl girl, there aint nothin to forgive. I can soooooo relate to what you're saying. I have several people in my head who I transform into without me knowing, I rant n scream, wanna commit arson n murder, feel homicidal most days, n tearful other days. I feel I haven't yet lived my life. We need to escape, I got my bike, jump on lady ;lets fly!!;-)x

Akelamalu said...

Sounds like you have a LOT on your plate at the moment. :(

Anonymous said...

plenty going on down there!!!
you'll get it worked out

lol@ dolls
I can only imagine!

Trixie said...

Mate, can't offer you any advice, cause I'm in the same boat! So bloody hard to be mum, housekeeper, bartender, weight loss consultant, etc. Let me know when you figure out how to juggle it all and tell me! lol

DJ Kirkby said...

Your libido will be back when you've had a chance to relax and have some you time. Just popped by to let you know the next excerpt is up on my Plump WAG's Club blog. I will def read the book you reccomended it looks great!

Jackie Adshead said...

Like the rest - I'm in a similar position - trying to juggle jobs, a homelife, painting, finding ways of promoting my art, going on art courses, talking to people who will help me with my art, finding time for the important people in my life, running a household, having a social life and have time for myself! (and thats why I don't watch much TV!).

The only answer I can give you is to do the easy things that will keep the practical side of you happy, and fit in the fun things that will keep your fun side happy, and bit by bit you'll move forward - because the other answer is to sit and do nothing, and you're not gonna do that!!!

John-Michael said...

I have never appreciated or admired You more! This is a telling of the Story that has been my own personal companion for many years. How sweet is your open vulnerability and willingness to trust your Self to your world. A marvelous act of courage and strength is reflected in this candid and unfettered inventory of Self-elements. I am so glad that You are a revered (You heard me! Yes!! "revered!!") part of my life and world. I love You even more!

nitebyrd said...

My most sincere Thanks! for all your comments, suggestions, thoughts and support. Usually, I'll figuratively curl up into the fetal position and not speak at all. My blog allows me to vent and scream - VERY therapeutic. I so love and appreciate my friends who read my writing, lend me a shoulder, give me excellent advice and make me laugh (Rupert) - y'all give me the strength to move forward. Thank you.