Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Think you're smart? Think again.

No matter how prepared (or smart) you think you are to talk to your children about sex, sexuality, love, puberty, etc. They’ll always throw you a curve ball at one time or another.

When my daughter was about eight years old, we were watching the movie, “Carrie.” During the shower scene when Carrie gets her first menstrual period and the other girls are throwing tampons and pads at her, my daughter wanted to know what was “wrong” with Carrie.

I was prepared to discuss this topic and launched into the – How, What, Where, possibly When and Why girls have their “period.” The pearls of wisdom spilled from my mouth for about 15 minutes. All the while my daughter sat silently looking at me with what I thought was total enthrallment at my words. I was thorough and detailed. When I finished, I asked her if she had any questions. She did. Her question was, “What’s for dinner?”

Apparently, I’d totally over estimated the quantity of information imparted. Timing and evaluation of the moment is essential for passing along your learning to your child.

My son is a man of few words. Usually when he does talk, it’s to say something profoundly funny, wise or stupid. I spoke with him about sex, just as I spoke to my daughter. His father also talked to him about things that I preferred come from a man. “Morning Wood” was one of the topics I left to my husband.

At around the age of 15, my son began wearing boxer shorts. I gave him the lecture about scrotal support, to no avail. The boy likes boxers. He is modest by nature but had no qualms about walking around the house in his boxers. Tighty whiteys didn’t give him the same sense of “freedom.”

After about a week of him coming into the kitchen at attention every morning, casually scratching some itchy parts (once boys find their penis at about the age of 31 minutes old, it becomes their BFF), I mentioned the possibility of me, his mother, witnessing the escape of his pride and joy during this morning ritual. I further stated that perhaps he might want to make sure that his penis was in a more relaxed state and behind some shorts prior to his appearance in the kitchen. The method behind my madness was that I'd embarrass him into not appearing before me in all his "glory."

My son yawned, continued to scratch and looked me dead in the eye as he told me, “Some call it “The Stairway to Heaven!” Smiling, he removed himself and his skyward pointing junk from the room. I was left open-mouthed and blank brained.

Be prepared for the occasional non sequitur and brain exploding possibilities when talking to your teen-aged child. Keep sharp objects out of your hands, as well.

Join me and these other Sexy Mom's ~

Christen Clifford
Always Aroused Girl
A Dust Bunny In The Wind
Lesbian Mommy
Domestic Anarchy

20 blew out from under the bed:

Anonymous said...

I dread my kids hitting puberty....

CrystalChick said...

My son will be 16 this summer. His father has had the talk with him and told him to go to him anytime with any questions, etc.
He's still really into his video games more than girls but I know that won't last forever.

For awhile I was getting annoyed with him spending a good half hour in the morning in the shower, thinking to myself, what the hell is he doing in there. Then the lightbulb went off. Now I just knock on the door and give him a reminder of the time so he's not late for school and I don't ask any questions.

Ron said...

Ok...first of all, I LOVE your new template!!!!


HOLY SHIT...when did you do this??

I also noticed that I missed one of your posts dated back to the 15th!! How the hell did that happen, because I have you on my reader??

Anyway, I'll go read it after this one.

This post is funny, because when I was still living at home with my parents, I was ALWAYS sure to wait until my "morning wood" went down before going to breakfast! I mean, I didn't want anyone to think I was serving HOT DOGS for breakfast!


Sorrow said...

I have had "the" talk" with the boy, and because I am such an insane momma, all I have had to say was, " if you don't want to see me in my lace crotchless underwear, you make sure i never see you in yours"
the look of horror was a moment of pure relish...

Anonymous said...


You sure he isn't mine?

Apollo Unchained said...

So funny. I can barely imagine walking into my mother's presence in my underwear (I wore briefs, not boxers), and cannot even conceive of doing so with an erection or scratching myself. My youngest son, however, would probably act much like yours.

More observations: I first heard the term "morning wood" about a year ago... from my married daughter. I suppose she learned it from her husband, who wasn't raised in California.

And "Stairway to Heaven"? Bwaaahaaaahaaaa, too funny.

Fire Byrd said...

Who needed puberty, being asked at the dinner table by my youngest at 9, what a blow job was, did nothing at all for my digestion.
But I got him back when I explained and he yelled they do what .... put it in their mouths, ugh.
He's changed his mind at 18 about the nastyness of such an activity!!!!

Akelamalu said...

Oh the dreaded questions - I remember them well! :0

Anonymous said...

I am having these conversations with my daughter. She has a new found boyfriend. Hopefully she will take her father's advice...

Karl said...

Good Evening Nitebyrd,

Gee...Carrie at 8 years old, it bothered me at 13. Maybe the content affected her response.

Oh and boys find it in the womb.

Autumn said...

oh oh! i'd like to be a sexy mom too! that was amazing. unreal response from your son. man oh man. and the period thing? i sorta got into a situation where i had to explain that to my son once. uggghhh! *sigh*

Riff Dog said...

That's too funny with your son! I hope my wife is ready . . .

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Nitebyrd: So if I walked into his bedroom to put clean laundry in his room and he is there with his girlfriend that i didn't know he had...and his hand is under her blouse and under her unbuttoned bra...that would be a good time huh?

Yeah to call his father to come and have a talk with his son. he is so ike his dad...smooth talker, I swear.

it really happened. talk about a stunned mother. I doin't know he was even home...it was one of those half school days. He is in high school and going to be 16. Oh boy that makes me feel young...NOT!

My son has no problem with trying to shock me...oy, hehehe

ciao sweetie.

fab post sweetie.

Distracted said...

I don't have kids but my bff from high school was blessed with two boys. She told me the youngest is such a social butterfly she planned on wrapping him in plastic wrap the moment puberty hit and just leaving him there. The "stairway to heaven" comment reminds me of him.

PS. LOVE the new layout. Perfect for you!

PPS. Really like seeing your submissions over at AAG's new site. Keep sharing!

Jackie Adshead said...

Yep, they'll catch you unawares - I bet you did in turn with your mum too!!! LOL

Anonymous said...

That's so weird that you posted about kids/teens....I was posting today about teenagers and how I am in fear of my son's teenage years yet to come.

Kids are something else, they never fail to shock and awe!


nitebyrd said...

Ronald ~ You are in for SO much fun! My son was more trouble (still is) than my daughter. I found porn, pot and condom wrappers all at very inopportune times.

CrystalChick ~ I did the same thing with the showers. At first I just thought he’d taken a keen interest in hygiene. LOL

Ron ~ Thank you, hun! I thought maybe a new look would perk me up. You were a good son who waited for his timber to fall before showing up for breakfast.

Sorrow ~ Lace, crotchless panites! Wherever did you get THOSE! LOL
I’d have paid money to see the look on your son’s face!

Sage ~ If he were, you can bet your sweet ass he’d be living with you!

Apollo ~ Other people tell me my son is a total gentleman. I always figure he cloned himself and lets the good “him” out in public. I hope you still wear briefs. Gravity takes a toll on scrotums as much as it does on boobs.

Fire Byrd ~ I’ll bet that was some dinner! I’m sure he’s changed his mind and now wonders what he was thinking at such a tender age.

Akelamalu ~ My hope is that my children’s children will pay them back.

Flyinfox ~ Girls tend to listen more to their fathers. Boys tend to listen to no one. It’s always harder on dad’s with daughters, I think.

Karl ~ Hello! Thanks for stopping by. I always wondered why my son moved around so much before he was born. ;) I never shielded my kids from movies or TV shows. I’d watch with them and we’d talk about things. I wanted them to understand that what’s on screen isn’t usually real. I grew up watching anything and everything. My first movie memory is of “Psycho.” I had an uninvolved mother and a slightly twisted babysitter.

Autumn ~ Get on over to Babeland. I think it was for just May but go check it out. YOU are one of the sexiest moms I know! Boys definitely do not like to hear about why girls get their period. No way!

Riff Dog ~ My feeling is that after you’ve given birth, you have no more modesty. And after cleaning up after babies, nothing surprises you anymore. She’ll be ready.

Spiky ~ Oh! I’ve walked in on my son with the girlfriend – butt naked! You might want to talk to yours before THAT happens!

Distracted ~ Thanks! I love that new site of AAG’s, it’s going to be a “must read” for all parents, in my opinion. In my experience, the girl was horrible until puberty and the boy has been a handful ever since. I’d drink if I had two boys, I think.

Jackie ~ My mother was perpetually unaware and preferred to stay that way. She had lost all, if any, parenting skills by the time I came along.

Frequent Traveler said...

Too funny - but that's because it isn't my son ! Stairway to Heaven indeed ! Such typical male arrogance when they know they have a big dick :)

rage said...

This post was awesome and so true. We just had the birds and the bees talk with our kids. Boys was that interesting.

JRM said...

I'm dying laughing! I have twin 8-year old girls, so they can hit me from 2 directions at once. I've now explained how horses have sex, that sex feels great, exactly how the sperm gets from Dad to Mom, that we have sex wherever we want in the house... I answer each question honestly and bluntly because I want them to keep asking, but sometimes I just hope to hell my face isn't beet red.