Sunday, March 28, 2010

It has been a long time since I’ve written anything of substance here. I’m working on my focus and trying to find out how I can be happy or at least less depressed. I definitely hate to hear someone sound like a broken record so I’m sure y’all feel the same way. I’m not going to dwell on what pushes me into the abyss but rather tell you about the real and invisible hands that continue to pull me out of it.

My definition of “Friends with Benefits” means that the “Friends” part is as important, if not more so, than the “Benefits” part. I also find it more joyous to experience sex with someone I truly like. Sorry to disappoint but sex will not be the main topic here and I believe that this will be a long post. Will you read it, please? It’s important to me and you might just find it will be to you as well.

Change is the only constant. If you stop changing, stop moving forward, you’ll stagnate. I’d stagnated for a very long time. Stagnant water is not as beautiful or interesting as a waterfall, is it? I knew that things were not right in my life but I kept looking towards a day when I could perhaps make a life that was not only satisfactory but also actually enjoyable. Unfortunately, the best laid plans and the impetuous plans of man and woman tend to go awry in the most horrifying ways. The future I looked forward to was taken away and I was forced to look in a different direction. Basically, something happened to cause me to realize that unless I changed and moved forward I would die bitter, miserable and like my mother. THAT was not going to happen. But how to do this? I’d been sheltered. I was an automaton for years, how was I going to find a way to climb out of the rut? I cast a world wide net, that’s what I did. And I found friends.

But oh! the blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely.  Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.  ~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859

What prompted this introspective essay was a recent visit to Art.  He lets me “be”.  Art has no plan or agenda when I come to see him.  He’ll make sure that he buys beer that I like and will choose a movie he’s pretty sure I’ll enjoy. Other than that, he has no expectations.  This past visit was so peaceful and relaxing.  Neither one of us was feeling horny and or sexy.  I was a raw nerve because of my boss’s trial and he was just not feeling all that great.   Sitting around his house, talking about anything and everything, drinking and watching “Taken” was what we both needed that particular day.  We did some kissing and touching of hands but nothing that required either one of us to show and/or prove something to the other.  We could just “be”.  I can’t ask for a greater gift then being allowed to be myself and be accepted AND wanted for only that.  I hope that I return the gift to Art and others that want and/or need it.

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.  It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.  We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.  ~Albert Schweitzer

Vincent is a friend/lover that I know only through the internet and telephone. Our friendship grew from the magic of electricity and the geekiness of Bill Gates (yeah, and Al Gore), may the Gods bless all scientists and nerds. During a very dark time, another friend led me to a site that was about horror, Halloween, Goth, etc. and there I met Vincent.&; Through PM’s then emails then Yahoo! Then telephone, he discovered that there was still a wee flame of life inside the zombie he was getting to know. Vincent is an extremely talented writer. He also is probably the most intelligent person I’ve ever talked with. He has a steel-trap memory and exhaustive imagination. Vincent is the first man that I had a relationship with that gave me trust in people. He likes me for who and what I really am. He thinks I’m smart, beautiful, sexy, creative and worth having a conversation with. He also believes that sex is only part of what makes a relationship. He, like Art, believes that there are many types of love but only one type of respect. They also believe that equality and balance fluctuate back and forth in a good relationship.  I always picture Vincent in a long, black leather duster, madly pumping bellows at a dying fire in a crumbling hearth, manically screaming, “LIVE, DAMN YOU! LIVE!”  I also like to think that unlike Dr. Frankenstein, he loves his creation.

A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud. I am arrived at last in the presence of a man so real and equal, that I may drop even those undermost garments of dissimulation, courtesy, and second thought, which men never put off, and may deal with him with the simplicity and wholeness with which one chemical atom meets another. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ron and Amelia, both of whom I met online and in person are friends that I cherish.  Amelia and I are Yin and Yang.  I’m the rock, she’s the kite.  Regardless, we are deep, true friends.  Even if we never see each other in this life, my love for her and her love for me will never change.  She can piss me off like no other person and she has hurt me deeply but I love her still.  I once again must thank The Internet and Nickelback for bringing us together.  She was the first and so far only woman I’d ever had sex with.  While we both enjoyed each other, it wasn’t sex that was the first attraction.  The sex came from our mutual love and respect for each other.  Even though we are polar opposites, we respect one another for what we are.

People say that men and women can’t be friends.  I think they are wrong.  You can be friends as long as you are willing to listen, learn, accept, be open and be honest.  Actually, those are good things to do with friends of any sex!  Ron has become a close friend because of his openness, strength and his outlook on life.  He’s pretty amazing.  When the invitation came from my friend Wild and Ron to visit not long ago, I was definitely looking forward to seeing Wild again and very curious about meeting Ron.  Sex aside, it was the ability to say and ask anything and not be ridiculed or made to feel stupid that cemented my friendship with Ron.  He has lived a very open and rather interesting life.  While we are both around the same age, I’d lived anything but!
He is also someone who allowed me to just “be” and I so appreciated that.  He will ask my advice or opinion and I will do the same with him.  The best part is that we actually listen to each other!  We VALUE the others views.

It is a heady feeling to know that I have friends like Art, Vincent, Ron and Amelia.  They give my life reason and purpose.  I hope that in some way, I’ve done the same for them.  I also thank whatever Gods are smiling on me for friends like Wild, Moon, Buffy, Lady Lynn, Black Magic, Ghost, Cottonwoodman, J. Michael Brown and an very special ex-husband like Mulder but they are for other posts.

23 blew out from under the bed:

Anonymous said...

Well good friends are about all you can really ask for out of life. Sounds like you have some!

Vi said...

Friends are what keep us going I believe, others would say family, but if, like me, you don't live anywhere near them, it's friends that you rely on the most.

Oh and honey....I'll be in Florida in 8 days time!!!! Still wanna meet me? Please email me, I was thinking the Saturday eve 10th, you could even stay at my hotel if you like, plenty of room! I can organise the boys to go in club thingy so we can natter away!

Hopelessly In Love said...

Friends are God's gift. It's good to have them and I can see you cherish yours and know that they help keep you sane, strong and moving forward. You sound like you are heading towards "a good place".. peace and happiness within reach.
Great post !

Ron said...

Beautiful post, Nitebyrd!

You said it all so perfectly.

Good friends are those who allow us to just BE.

No pressure.

You dear lady are someone who I KNOW is a good friend, because you HAVE good friends. What comes around goes around, and in the year and a half that I've known you I've never met someone who GIVES so much with no expectations of ever getting anything in return. You simply GIVE.

Therefore, you receive.

I agree with Hopelessly In Love...

...friends are God's gifts.

So, thank you for being one of God's gifts in my life.

X ya, Sis!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sorrow said...

Ahh shit !!!
I was signed in under the name i use for my kids blog!
I apologize!

Anonymous said...

Dr. Frankenstein bestowed the spark of life where there was no life before; I only nurtured what I found already there. Therefore, you cannot be my creation; and of a certainty you are no monster.

But never doubt that I do love you. Always.


Akelamalu said...

Good, true friends are a joy, I'm glad you have some. :)

Jackie Adshead said...

Friends are a true joy in life, someone you feel connected with, who you can fully open your mind to, who shares your views, who loves you for who you are, and who you love in return for who they are, is a fabulous thing. And I can feel how much you feel that too, by what you've written here. Beautiful, and deeply touching.

Deech said...

Good Post! I am glad to see that you are concentrating and expending energy on what you have instead of worrying about what you don't have! Kudos to you!

Indi said...

nitebryd ~ True friends are. You have and I am so amazingly happy for you. I have come through shit, got stuck inthe middle of it but managed with fabulous friends like you to drag my ass out the other side. You rock girl, now you have friends who rock with you. Keep smiling outwardly and the inwardly smile will break free like the pheonix rising, yes You are risen.. I love you too nitebyrd, don't ever forget that.xxxxxx Indi

Dazzed and Confused said...

Good friends are true gifts that we should never take lightly. Sometimes the trick is knowing a true friend when you see one.
Buds and Pals may just take advantage of you but Friends will do anything for you and not ask for anything in return.

Indi said...

I totally agree with D&C true friends do not take advantage of you... I think that's what confuses most people, they have to distinguish between that to survive. Friends will do 'anything for you and not ask for anything in return,' that's hit the nail on the head.. got it in one! Ya can't go wrong with a 'good friend!'

Casdok said...

Were would we be without a friends.

Anonymous said...

great quotes!

Joanna Cake said...

I loved the quotes too. When you're in that deep dark place, sometimes you need new friends who will not judge you on your past life and do not know the other people involved. They can be totally impartial and help you to look after you.
As for the internet, it has given me a lot of people that I have never met who have stood by me when things have been very dark. Sometimes they drift out of my life and sometimes they remain but in the background.
I read a piece about friends being for a season, a reason or a lifetime. You should google it x

DJ Kirkby said...

Sounds like you've got some great friends around you. I expect they feel the same about you :)

ZomBee said...

I like your description of your time with Art. The chance to just "BE" with no constraints,restraints or other mental baggage is a wonderful state of being.
I have only experienced that special click once or twice in my life and each moment is as rich and full today as it was then. Something to be reviled in and mourned over at the same time.
much envy.

rage said...

Very nice post. You are truly down to earth and that is what most friends should be with one another. I am glad that you are taking some time to get to know yourself. Be yourself - and true to yourself and that's all that anyone can ask for.

DJ Kirkby said...

Hi, I just stopped by again because I forgot to say for you to visit my Chez Aspie blog before Monday evening if you want a chance to treat your inner geek for free. I wont tell anyone. Promise ;)

Genevieve said...

This was a very touching post to read. I am sorry that you have to go through times of depression but I have been there myself and know it's not always easy to work everything out on your own. Friendships are so important and I'm very happy that you have some really special ones.

You are loved!

Apollo Unchained said...

Beautiful post, NByrd. "Stagnant water is not as beautiful or interesting as a waterfall" is going on twitter in a sec.

Tim said...

If men and women couldn't be friends I'd be totally sunk: all my closest friends are women. And not for sexual reasons: just that for me it's easier to trust them and easier to have a sane conversation about the things that really matter to me.