Thursday, April 24, 2008

Penis Envy

by Uncle Bonsai

If I had a penis I'd wear it outside
In cafes and car lots with pomp and with pride
If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper
I'd stay in the tub and use me as a stopper
If I had a penis I'd take it to parties
Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties
I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay
I'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day

I'd rival my buddies in sports cars and stick shifts
I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts
I'd peek around corners
I'd aim at my toilet
I'd poke it at foreigners
And soap it and oil it

If I had a penis I'd run to my mother
Comb out the hair and compare it to brother
I'd lance her, I'd knight her, and my hands would indulge
Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge

A penis to plunder, a penis to push
Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush
A penis to love me, a penis to share...
To pick up and play with when nobody's there

I'd sit like a guy, I'd straddle the chair
I'd play with my fly, albeit with care
I'd dip it in chocolate; I'd stick it in sockets
Go to the movies with hands deep in pockets
I'd stick it in vacuums on vacant verandas
Gas-guzzling bottles and poodles and pandas
And puddles and drain pipes and doggies and ditches,
Pool halls and potholes and bottles and bitches...

Zucchinis and zebras, tomatoes, tomatoes,
And pineapple pumpkins, and gulches and grottos,
And melons and marshmallows...

Gloves and gorillas
Slurpies and slippers
Chinooks and chinchillas...

If I had a penis, I'd climb every mountain
I'd force it on females
I'd pee like a fountain...

If I had a penis I'd still be a girl,
But I'd make much more money and conquer the world.

28 blew out from under the bed:

Cormac Mac Art said...

So, you like penis's, right?

nitebyrd said...

Yup. I do. I wouldn't want one permanently, I enjoy being on the receiving end too much. ;)

Ron said...

Hey...this is interesting, because I HAVE a penis...and have never done this MUCH with it!

(especially making much more money$)

However, if I had one like this...MAYBE!

P.S. And I don't think I could stick it in a vacuum...perhaps a pumpkin, though...

Mortuis said...

OMG! This was hilarious, darlin'! In-fuckin'-credible!

I have a penis *checking....* - yep, still there! - and I haven't done half of that! I have to get busy...!

Eve in Chains said...

Hey, babe. That guy, with the hair, is something. The perfect accoutrement to the lyrics. Great song, too.



Vi said...

Luckily I didn't open this one when the kids were about! lol!!!

FiachraLili said...

LMAO!! Thats brillant....

And he is very yummy and lickable ;)

Fat Controller said...

Yeah, I tried that once and got arrested!!!!!

nitebyrd said...

Peter Steele, the lovely man I've used to illustrate my post, is the lead singer for "Type O Negative." Pop on over to YouTube, if you want to listen.

When I found this poem, Peter was the first man I thought of because if I were going to have a penis, I'd want one just like his!

Utter Basketcase said...

Ok I am LMFAO crying here!!!!

Fucking hilarious!!!

BTW RAT GiRL Part 2 is out if you wanna go see it!! :-) xx

Casdok said...


nitebyrd said...

Giggle, I read Rat Girl and LOVED it! You are BRILLIANT!

Casdok!!! Nice to see you. Hope all is going well for you and C.

nitebyrd said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Middle Child said...

That was too funny!

First time reader here and just getting started. Expect many more comments to follow!


The Middle Child said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
nitebyrd said...

Hi! Bekah! I'm glad you came over. Lemme go see you and say, Hi! there, too. LOL

Indi said...

neah... I prefer pussies! nice tatts though.

trublmaka said...

My GAWD woman! I soooo love it! That's funny!

Hey, I got a little something for you over on my blog, it's titled "Bless the BLoggers".

Luv ya hun x

Constance said...

You're better tahn Dr. Seuss, Nitebyrd ! Loved how creative that was ! And yes, wouldn't it be fun to have a big gorgeous penis ???

Anonymous said...

Oh Nitebyrd - that is excellent!!
As for the guy, well I'm not usually a fan of men with long hair - but for him I'd make an exception. A big, huge, massive exception!!!

Indi said...

By the way,,, does he have a license for that?

DJ Kirkby said...

I think that second pic is incredibly horny, I love watching a man play with his cock.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Wha hey...I've heard the guys comment on having a penis...I've had lots of them. Oh, the things I've done with them. *blush*

The oddest one...I wanted to experience how a guy know. I stood behind him (my b/f at the time...Vince. He laughed, thinking me a wierd chick as I zipped him down and pulled out his penis and aimed at the toilet and he peed. So F'ing wierd...I shook him like he said to do. he flushed and I put the monster back in...for a liile while. So now I know. I am wierd huh? My shrink said the same thing too, but wanted me to tell the experience. Ha.

Sweetie I loved your post...God, I feel like fucking Vince right now. GRRRRR!

Ciao babe.

Jackie Adshead said...

Brilliant! Love it!

So, how long do you want it for to do all the things you plan with it? Or are you just talking about for the weekends?

Jeff B said...

Damn, is that a penis or a towle rack!

Very clever writing.

nitebyrd said...

Indigo ~ Peter is too hot for words. He does have beautiful ink. License? I'm not sure but I believe he has a concealed weapon permit! LOL

Trublmaka ~ Thank you for my blessing!

Welcome Home, Annie ~ I'd like to take credit for the writing but can't. I found it in my Internet travels.

Racy ~ Nice to see you! I have a '60's hangover and LOVE long-haired guys. I have the most delicious picture of a blond bass player with elbow length hair. HE is the stuff dreams are made of.

DJ ~ There's a whole Playgirl pictorial of Peter Steele. That's where I got the pix. I made sure to keep them on my computer for future .... um, .... reference. Yeah, that's it! Reference.

Spiky ~ I never wanted to pee like a guy but I'd sure as hell like to help 'em with their aim! ;)

Jackie ~ I'd probably only want it for a couple days. You know, the novelty would wear off if I had it too long. I'd also probably get arrested for showing it off!

nitebyrd said...

Jeff ~ "Flagpole" comes to mind.

Dazzed and Confused said...

WWWWWOOOOOOOO here, you always told me its not the size of the organ but how you play it.

See that's why my name is dazzzzed and confused????????????