Friday, November 30, 2012

Nitebyrd's Brain

Most days my job is mind numbing.  Other days, my poor Swiss cheese brain is worked to its limits.  After working in the medical field for 25+ years, lemme tell you Obamacare makes me more terrified than clowns.  Insurance companies are a clusterfuck as it is, add on insurance for the uninsured, etc. and I think we're gonna have Armageddon.  Don't even get me started on the Fiscal Cliff  from which I tend to segue to the moral/ethical cliff that we've already plunged over like so many lemmings.  See, I'm off on a tangent.  I'll save that discussion for another time.

What I wanted to tell you is that when I'm at work and I go out to the parking lot to smoke, I see lots of birds and small animals.  To either perk my sleeping brain up or give it something silly to think about, I'll anthropomorphize the wee beasties that linger.  If you read my blog about the Florida woodpeckers, you'll remember Winston and Phyllis.  About a week ago, I heard a woodpecker cheeping by the building.  He was perched on the ledge below the hole that held the original nest.  He was looking up towards the hole, chattering.  He then flew up to the hole and stuck his head inside.  I decided he was the couple's son, Dennis.  He'd come home to borrow money and was dismayed that mom & dad had moved, leaving no forwarding address!  (If you don't have or had teenagers, you won't find this as amusing as I do.)  Dennis' cries were very plaintive when he flew back down to a nearby tree.  He must have accepted his fate to be broke because I haven't seen him since.

There's also a rabbit that lives in the woods bordering the parking lot.  He comes out in the morning and late afternoon to munch on the long grass.  I know he's the same rabbit because his left ear is deformed.  It appears he has only one ear so I've named him Van Gogh.  I think he's a curmudgeon.  He sits and chews the grass but it looks like he's muttering to himself.  Probably about the field mice that make a mad dash for the bushes when I approach.  The scare him.  Or he's pissed at the noisy blue jays that fight over berries.  He could just be annoyed that he has a nub of an ear and no hot female rabbit will give him the time of day.  But I really think he's just cranky over life in general.  That's probably why I like him so much!  Grumpy Bunny and Dust Bunny, a perfect pair!

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving!

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

~Author Unknown

Friday, November 9, 2012

Not Dexter, just a zombie

Even with clinical depression, there are bright spots in life.  While doing research on the disease and the medication I'm taking, I came across a mood disorder associated with depression.  It's called ANHEDONIA.  Finding out about this cheered me up a bit because I was sure that I'd become Dexter. Not that I had homicidal thoughts, (Well, not often.) but because of the utter lack of emotion, I thought I might be a benign psychopath.

Dexter Morgan is a sociopath (different from a psychopath - Who knew?) with violent tendencies.  He lacks regular human emotions; he "fakes" them by observing social interactions of others.  Other than anger, I've been faking emotions for a long time.  Lemme tell you, it's exhausting!

I thought that it was the fault of the medication.  It is but only partially.  My "zombiedom" started long before I was prescribed anti-anxiety and antidepressant medication.  I can't pinpoint the time when it started but I know it's been many years.  I'm now taking the maximum dose of Effexor, a serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor (SNRI) class.  Lack of emotion, particularly pleasure, is one of it's side effects.  I haven't been truly, honestly - joyful, happy, content - in forever.  Since I did once have the entire range of human emotions, I can pretend to have them with great skill.  "Faking It" has taken on a completely new meaning for me.  However, I do pay a price.  After my "girls weekend", I was so tired I could have slept for days.  I never knew acting was such a tiring profession!  Johnny Depp must be positively weary!  My acting as a complete human being for so long has truly just sucked the energy right out of me, hence, "zombie".

That I have to act during social settings is probably why I avoid as many as I possibly can.  I do feel badly that I make excuses for not going somewhere and doing something with people I care for but some days I just don't have the strength to put on make-up, slap on the fake smile and deal with it.  Trying to explain this condition to people that don't have this aspect of depression and/or depression itself is difficult if not down right impossible.  The bottom line is - I can't give what I don't really have and I can't enjoy what you want to give me.

Regardless of my current mental state, my two personalities - Lizzie and Martha - keep me in a fairly "sane" state. (Yeah, right!  I sound totally sane, don't I?)  Lizzie helps me act out the sarcastic, witty, fun side and Martha allows me to maintain the work, home, mother (soon to be grandmother - that's another story!) side.  The Effexor in this dosage has calmed my brain down enough so that I can actually THINK.  This is such an amazing development that I'm very sure I'm going to work through all my shit sometime in the future and I will be able to really FEEL the joy, happiness, sex, fun, laughter, silliness, once again.  Lizzie and Martha will merge into "ME" and zombies will just be in the books and movies I'll enjoy.
Smiley from

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Locusts Only Come Every 17 Years, Why Can't Elections? - Don't forget to vote on Tuesday for the slightly less awful and eventually completely ineffective candidate - You should be proud of your right to vote for shameless politicians 

Smiley from