Sunday, November 4, 2007

Valentine's Day Massacre




When I was younger, I was very romantic. Hard to believe, I know. I liked to think that my X would pick up on the romance idea from hanging around me. That was not to be but I carried on being romantic for many, many years. When my loved ones spoke, I listened. At appropriate gift giving times they would get things they has wished for, longed for or just might have mentioned. I had an excellent memory. Unfortunately I discovered that like the masses, loved ones don't always listen to what is said to them.

At one point, several years ago, the X decided he would give me a Valentine's Day gift. Up until then, I had been giving him and the children small gifts for the holiday and making a heart-shaped chocolate cake for that evening's dessert. I'm not sure what prompted this display of affection. I think it might have been my brother-in-law at the time who was always giving my sister-in-law flowers and/or small gifts - for no fucking reason other that she was there! Imagine.

On the day in question, he triumphantly presented me with a box of chocolates. I LOVE chocolate. Milk chocolate, white chocolate, dark chocolate. Smooth, creamy, nutty, caramel, peanut butter - any kind of chocolate with anything on it or in it, I'll eat it. I have never met chocolate that I don't like - until this innocently disguised heart-shaped box of horror.

I don't know if Elmer's Glue is sold internationally. Elmer's Glue is a viscous, opaque white substance used most often for sticking two pieces of paper together. It's basically harmless, children use it in school so eating it shouldn't produce any lasting effects but it's not tasty. The chocolates in this box were: Elmer's. I had no clue that the Elmer's Glue company produced chocolates with old glue! The insides of this candy was the consistency of Elmer's Glue that had been left open for awhile. I believe that the neon pink, green and yellow color of the goo was to indicate various flavors, of which there was none. All of them tasted the same - EXACTLY like old Elmer's Glue covered in faux chocolate.
Being a semi-nice person back then, I didn't want to discourage the X. He didn't/doesn't take any sort of criticism well. I mentioned that I'd never heard of Elmer's Chocolates and wondered which gas station en route home sold them? I also kindly said that Walgreen's sold "Whitman's" and "Russell Stover" chocolates. I left the box in the fridge for the kids. Sometime around June I decided to discard the box. The children didn't eat any. They had tried as there were a couple of half-eaten pieces laying in there leaking their glue-y centers.

The following Valentine's Day brought the second box of "Elmer's." The glue company had not improved their candy recipe at all. The children said to their father, "Dad, that's really bad candy!" When my children won't eat candy, especially chocolate candy, I knew it must be just downright awful. This year I wasn't as nice. I thanked him for the thought and then told him this was not candy I enjoyed. I again brought up the names of "Whitman's" and/or "Russell Stover." I continued with a list of stores where this chocolate could be purchased and even tossed in where he could buy "Godiva" for good measure. The box was thrown away, unopened.

On year three when the "Elmer's" evil box was on the table Valentine's Day morning, my son and daughter had the "deer in the headlights" look on their faces. They quickly disappeared when my head went like this:

And I began to scream like a banshee with a pack of wolves after her -
"HAVEYOULOSTYOURFUCKINGMIND?WHATTHEFUCKAMISUPPOSEDTODOWITHTHIS?CAN'TYOUEVENREMEMBERWHITMANSORRUSSELLSTOVERFORCHRIST'SSAKE?ITCAN'TBETHATTAXINGONYOURBRAIN!!!!"

After that year and up until two years ago, I was given a box of Russell Stover chocolates bought with money my X gave my daughter.


I still think he should just consider himself lucky I only divorced him.
(The company that makes the glue doesn't make the chocolate. At least I don't think they do.)






8 blew out from under the bed:

Loving Annie said...

Good Sunday evening to you, Nitebyrd. Quelle Horreur ! I promise to only send you Godiva :)
Let any new man learn from this - no more Elmer's !!!

Jackie Adshead said...

This story says a lot about the man. Why do people not listen to information when its forthcoming? And why do they let you get to the point where your head explodes in anger? Was he doing it on purpose to annoy you? Did he think your opinion was so unimportant he'd disregard it? Or did he just not listen to you?

I hope you regularly treat yourself to all the gorgeously decadent chocolate that you adore - you deserve it!

Chopski said...

You know I would give chocolate to my X if it did that to her head!!

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Eeeeeewwww! I'm amazed your head didn't explode the first year you got them!

nitebyrd said...

I always thought that this particular story was very telling of our relationship. I don't want to live in the past or hold anger forever but some things just tend to stand out very starkly.

I buy some Godiva infrequently. As I lost weight with The Stress Diet, I want to stay that way. :)

Annie, Vi & Jackie - THANK YOU for making me feel that I was justified in my response. Chopski, if you can't find "Elmer's" in a UK petrol station, let me know. I'll mail you some. The trans-Atlantic travel will probably enhance it's quality enough for a delightful head explosion!

ronjazz said...

GOOD chocolate, however, really is hard to find sometimes....

nitebyrd said...

So are men, Ron. :)

having my cake said...

Yes, but even the cheapest petrol station must have sold at least one other brand of chocolate! So, even if he'd left it right til the last minute, he could have got something/anything else. I think sometimes they truly just dont listen... our words become 'white noise'. I think when the second box arrived, he would have been forcefed them :)