Friday, October 3, 2008

And now for something completely different ...



Recently I did a post about shaving my friend Art. Although it wasn’t really sensual or erotic, it did show me how trusting people can be when you care about each other. I now will tell you about how much Mulder cares for me and trusts me. It’s not pretty.

Since I decided to kick office work to the curb and become an esthetician, not only do I do facials, waxing and make-up in school but I have to practice at home. When you ask friends and relatives if they’d like to be your guinea pig test model, they all want a facial (hold the extractions) and be made up. Getting waxed on any body part – not so much. My daughter has allowed me to do her legs. My son let me rip hair off his back. I really, really enjoyed that. Sort of payback for his birth. My son-in-law has let me wax and tweeze his unibrow. He does look much better with two eyebrows. I can’t wait to do the guys nose hair.
So, I’ve had some waxing practice. But no bikini or Brazilian recruits.

A few weeks ago, the class was shown a video on doing male Brazilian waxing. It didn’t look too hard. The main thing was to pull the skin taunt and have the victim subject assist in the process by holding dangly bits out of the way. Mulder, bless his heart, volunteered to be my first male Brazilian client.

To wax smaller, more sensitive areas such as the pubic zone, you use “hard” wax. It’s a wax that doesn’t need have pressure applied onto a fabric strip for removing the hair. It adheres only to the hair, not the skin, and is pulled off in its entirety just as you’ve placed the wax on the area to be de-haired. This wax will be less traumatic for the skin that is growing the pubes. Definitely a plus when you’re ripping hair out of a guy’s balls and butt crack. Being a newbie to the whole esthetician arena, I didn’t know the subtleties of the actual wax to be used. “Hard” wax, I knew was the product to use but didn’t know that there were so many qualities of hard wax. So I heated up the hard wax that I purchased at the suggestion of the Sally Beauty Supply salesperson. (I can hear y’all now going, “Uh!OH!)

Mulder had showered and exfoliated the night before. He happily stretched out nude on the bed while I arranged the supplies, tested the wax and did a little hair trimming. When all was ready, I started to apply the wax to his groin. I figured the entire process would take about 45 minutes (it took the video woman about 20). My first clue that this wasn’t going to be easy was when the wax took a very long time to “set up.” Meaning it got hard enough to be stripped off. Once it finally was ready I flicked the edge. Flicking the edge is done to get a grip in order to tear it and the hair off. Remember, this type of wax is not supposed to stick to the skin. This wax wasn’t coming up with the normal flick. It appeared to be stuck to hair AND skin. I needed to PRY the end up to begin the ripping. Once that was done, much to Mulder’s shock of my fingers digging into the area, I began to use my smooth wrist motion to remove the strip quickly, parallel to the skin. This is supposed to be an instantaneous action. 1-2-3 wax off! Except when the wax breaks. And break my wax did. Over and over and over again.


Mulder remained stoic throughout the entire 2.5 hour process. He never screamed or punched me. Now, we did take several breaks to smoke and drink beer. Seriously, I should have given Mulder beer intravenously, the poor guy. I asked a few times if he wanted me to stop but he bit the bullet and told me to continue. I tried a thicker application of wax. I tried smaller areas, bigger areas, cooler wax, hotter wax – this was when Mulder’s testicles high-tailed it into his body and I was worried we’d never see them again – no matter what I did, the wax refused to cooperate. Instead of watching and feeling a lovely ballet supplied by the cremaster reflex, I prayed to The Waxing Gods that I wouldn’t accidently rip his balls off with the wax and have a cremaster muscle fly out of the carnage. I do have to say that after about 4-5 beers, we began to laugh. Laugh like lunatics. I’m pale, shaky and sweating from stress and Mulder is naked with his crotch looking like a failed science experiment. But we were able to laugh.

It felt good to be with someone that loves and trusts me enough to let me apply hot wax to his most delicate, precious area and then rip it off, all so I can become a really good esthetician. He actually is going to let me do it again. AFTER I’ve gone to the esthetician convention this weekend and have purchased some much better quality wax. He’s a very brave man. Well … very brave or very stupid. Probably a little of both considering he still wanted to be with me even after the divorce. As you’ve might have guessed, I’m not really an easy person to live (be) with.

There was absolutely nothing sexy, erotic or sensual about doing a male Brazilian wax on Mulder but it was a bonding experience. Bonding is something we need. To be totally honest, I don’t remember if we had sex afterwards or if I even had the strength to give him a world class blow-job. I truly think that if his cock had seen me coming anywhere near it, it would have gone into hiding, trembling with fear. If it could, it probably would have screamed like a banshee


P.S.(Check out my entry in the SKULLADAY contest! It's the last one.)

33 blew out from under the bed:

Rupert said...

I believe this is the classic definition of "Epic Fail".

Fex said...

Damn! This was so funny, and yet so horrifying at the same time... And the pictures you found to go with this post - lol!!

Southern Sage said...

Ummmm
Ummmmmmm
accccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
my lil stuff just inverted with that pic
sheeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiittttttttttt

Ummm
Nite
are those Sage Girl shoes that are doing the stepping there in that pic?

Ron said...

OH MOTHER OF GOD, NITEBYRD.....THIS POST WAS FABULOUS!!!!

And that last photo...

....I bet every man who reads this...will shudder?!?!?

OUCH!!?@?

Hey, listen...I can honestly relate to this post. One time I had the same freaking thing happen, while waxing a woman's legs, arms, underarms, and facial hair. The WAX got totally fucked up! And like you...it took me almost an hour and a half to complete. I was sweating like a pig!

(however...if you can believe this)

The womand fell ASLEEP!!!!

Great post, Miss Nitebyrd!

Thoroughly enjoyed it!

P.S. Have fun at the convention. God, I use to really enjoy those!

Ron said...

P.S.S...hey, I just noticed your award page! Good going, Nitebyrd. It looks great!

Trixie said...

Eeew, this reminded me of when I ha a brazilian done in July. She used hard wax, and it was the worst fucking wax I had in my life, so painful. It took about 45 minutes (and I wasn't that hairy) when I've had it done in Oz before and it took all of about 15 minutes using strips. I don't believe the crap about hard wax being better!

Akelamalu said...

He must love you very, very much!!

That last photo made my eyes water so God know how blokes must feel when they see it. :(

Fat Controller said...

Yikes! That brought tears to my eyes, and that was before I saw the bottom picture. He's certainly a brave man!

Apollo Unchained said...

Wonderful story! And the pictures! Gaaah!

My favorite moment was "when Mulder’s testicles high-tailed it into his body and I was worried we’d never see them again." I'm still laughing...

Jennybean said...

That is one brave man...

I would say he has a lot of balls to do taht, but I'm not so sure he has any anymore... :)

Jennybean said...

That is one brave man...

I would say he has a lot of balls to do taht, but I'm not so sure he has any anymore... :)

Giggle! said...

THAT PICTURE!!!!


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *wipes tears!!

OMFG!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..... xx

Ronjazz said...

OHMYGOD!!! As open as I am in my own life and outlook, I just found a limit...OHMYGOD!!! Isn't that guy dead by now??? OHMYGOD!!!

Fire Byrd said...

Poor battered mulder... have you got the next victim lined up yet to practise on?
brazilians are the pits, only ever had one and that was enough.

nitebyrd said...

* About the last picture ~ I wanted to accurately represent the feeling that Mulder had after I'd finished the wax. I was very sure, this picture summed it up. I DID NOT DO THIS TO MULDER!!! I don't know who the "models" are. Although I love the shoes, I'd never, ever use them for this purpose even if a guy asked me to. I have limits. I really do.

Rupert ~ Now, I don't think of it as a failure. It's a learning experience. Epic, yes. Failure, no.

fex ~ It definitely was horrifyingly funny, that's for sure.

Sage ~ I didn't mean for little Sage to run and hide. I'm sorry.

Ron ~ I knew you'd be able to relate the anguish of waxing with shitty wax. I definitely can believe she fell asleep ~ I do, too. The convention was fun. I was a little overwhelmed at all the product, etc. but got lots of good information. Thanks!

Trixie ~ For women, using strips in some areas is preferred. I think I'll use strips on Mulder for the butt and "bikini" area and the hard wax for the smaller more delicate areas next time. The quality of the waxing will depend #1 on the esthetician and #2 on the wax.

akelamalu ~ I guess he does love me. My son loves me too, he wants me to do his back again!

FC ~ Brave, crazy, both?

apollo ~ I always want pictures to accurately represent what I'm trying to get across. I really enjoy looking for them. BTW Mulder's junk is just fine now.

jennybean ~ Hi! Thanks for stopping by again. He's pretty brave and he's still got balls! LOL

giggle! ~ Glad you enjoyed it!

ronjazz ~ I'm not sure how the guy is doing. I do hope that he was paid A LOT for that picture, though.

fire byrd ~ Mulder will once again be my practice model. I got the good wax. I love Brazilians. I actually was the class model for one. My coochy was on display for everyone! But, I got a free wax.

Jeff B said...

Girl, you know how to put on a hurtin'!

Another one of those posts where i don't know whether to laugh my ass off or shed a puddle of tears for Mulder.

girl_gone_thread_wild said...

hi sunshine!

(crossing my legs, hiding my pits and covering anything else that may entice WAX)

Girlfriend... we are at $2,208 and with a few days left on the totem pole I thought it worth the FEAR of coming in here to share the happenings of the pink artist drawing... I ADORE you (your bluntness, your FEARLESS self) but admit this time I'm walking away yelling, "OUCH!"

No. Pain not welcomed here. That means... put the wax jar away and don'tchoo even think about PULLING anything ...unless its my leg.

love & blessings to you.

~monica :)

Flyinfox_SATX said...

ROTFLMAO! I am sorry. I know I shouldn't be laughing but the picture you painted along with the pics you included in your post....

Buahaw hah hah hah hah hah....

Indigo said...

'bout time men had a bit of what us lady's have...... PAIN!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I can be a sadistic bitch when I feel like it, but most of the time I'm a pussy cat :-P

Real Live Lesbian said...

I had my hoo-haa threaded one time. I still can't talk about it...but it felt like my nuts were under that red shoe!

I didn't scream, but tears ran down the side of my face!

I wouldn't have had sex with that woman if my life depended on it! But I probably would with you! LOL

CrystalChick said...

OMG I had so many comments going thru my head as I was reading along. Now, I can barely contain the laughter. (So sorry Mulder, you're a real sport)
How you presented this scenario was just hilarious. The pictures are so freaking funny but in an ouch ouch wince shudder type of way. LOL

I'm sure you'll make a really wonderful esthetician, however, for now, I am going to stick to facials. ;)

nitebyrd said...

Jeff ~ Laugh, cry ... I become a part of your life! Luckily you live far away so I won't ask you to be a victim, uh ... model.

Monica ~ I'm really excited about THE PINK ARTIST DRAWING. I hope that some of the pimping I did here and at home/work has contributed to the total. I promise not to donate any waxing services next year. ;)

flyinfox ~ I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'm sure the next Brazilian Mulder gets won't be half as fun.

indigo ~ I, too can be sadistic. I didn't really mean to be when I did the waxing, it just turned out that way. I wasn't even wearing my leather!

real live lesbian ~ I read about "threading" and that definitely seems more painful than even MY waxing! That was just on the eyebrows! THAT babe in the picture is way too scary, even for me. LOL So, when? where? I promise not to wear heels.

crystalchick ~ Thank you, very much for all the compliments!

Cormac Mac Art said...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A. Secret said...

I've missed you too! You're always good for my daily laugh!
XX

Anndi said...

Is it bad to laugh? Will Mulder forgive me?

Holy shit!

This scared me off brazilians FOREVER!

Lilly said...

Oh, ouch. I'm such a wussy, too. I could barely glance at that photo.

Let me tell you.....this post did nothing to assuage my fears about getting a Brazilian!!!!
*wimpers*

nitebyrd said...

cormac mac art ~ Poor baby! I didn't mean to scare you. :-*

a. secret ~ It's my blessing and my curse. I always need to find humor, in every fucking situation!

anndi ~ All is forgiven. Seriously, Brazilians aren't really too bad, IMO. Then again, I have 7 tattoos and I'm jonesing for another!

lilly ~ Hi! Thanks for stopping by. Get a Brazilian, you'll love it! Promise, it doesn't really hurt that badly.

Sassy said...

OMG!! I can only imagine what Mr. Sass would do if i even suggested trying to wax him....

LOVE the picture..poor guy. But soem sexy shoes!

DJ Kirkby said...

OMG! And people wonder why I think waxing is evil? Never ever will I ever allow anyone to apply wax to my bikini area after that story... poor Mulder...

Riff Dog said...

This is hysterical! I woulkd really have to have a lot of trust!

But that last picture . . . yeowch!!!!!!

having my cake said...

That was very funny :) I can recall getting my legs waxed over 20 years ago and they just flicked and pulled the wax strip and hair away, no paper. Im pretty sure it hurt less than today's method... but then I wasnt having it applied to a particularly delicate part of my anatomy. Hats off to Mulder!

secretlynaughty said...

laughing and crying all at once here,when does mulder get a medal for bravery?

sn

kim said...

Wow......this had me laughing hysterically!

BTW, I showed my husband the last pic> He was sitting on the couch and didn't have a good view, so I explained. When I saw the pained look on his face, I told him "This is what my boob looks like during a mammogram."