Friday, July 3, 2009

Lies, I tell you, LIES!



Ladies, in my opinion, we have been sold a bill of goods, a pig in the poke, the Brooklyn Bridge. Feminism, Woman’s Rights – blah, blah, blah, is a huge crock of shit.

I know you’re probably totally shocked at this notion. Initially, I was too. However, after 3 or 4 gin & tonics the whole devious plot became crystal clear.

Picture this – some well-heeled guys in a “Men’s Club” a la Randolph and Mortimer Duke in “Trading Places”. They’re all comfy in big leather chairs drinking single malt Scotch, smoking Cuban cigars, back in the mid- 1960’s.

Guy 1: You know, this birth control pill is going to let women slut around like we do.

Guy 2: Yeah, next thing you know they’ll be wanting our jobs.

Guy 3: Well, you know during WWII, the women did take our jobs and some of them really liked it.

Guy 2: Shit! We gave ‘em voting rights and now they want everything!

Guy 1: (Thoughtfully) They liked working and taking care of children and the house? I wonder if there is some way we could get ‘em to do everything all the time?

Guys 2&3: WHAT!?! Why the hell would anyone want to do all that, all the time? That’s just crazy talk. Plus, women can’t do “real” work like men.

Guy 1: But what if we could make them think that they could do it all? We MARKET the whole idea really well, present it in a great package, appeal to their minds and reinforce it constantly? Think about it, wives and girlfriends are out working, trying to reach the top of their chosen professions because we told them they could, they come home to take care of the house and kids, we get ‘em to keep in shape on top of it all, they’ll be so damn busy all the time that they’ll leave us alone and we can do whatever we want!

Guy 2: It could work but I think we’d have to make some token efforts to “help.”

Guy 3: Yeah, but we’ll be so “inept” that we’ll try really hard *snigger* but screw things up so badly that they’ll end up doing it themselves.

And this is how the most nefarious plot in history began.

Oh!, yes, my sisters. The majority of us got sucked in to some extent. There are those that definitely managed to achieve the status of “Super Woman.” The rest of us just were fooled into believing that we could do it.

The TV show “Wonder Woman” gave us a great visual and we thought, “I can be that woman!” We played right into the hands of the men by watching “That Girl” and “The Mary Tyler Moore Show.” Those shows led us to believe that working, taking care of business and dating was madcap fun. Those “guys” gave us wings – on our mini-pads, pantyhose, mini-skirts, plastic applicators and go-go boots. And even our own cigarettes! We were intoxicated with the power and if that wasn’t enough, they bestowed us with two idols for us to worship – Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem!


In my vision of how life is, these two weren’t goddesses because they were actually, … (wait for it …) … MEN! Yes. Men. Groomed to head the revolution by men, for men, they were false prophets in drag. Take a long look at them. Men, I tell you, MEN!. “Ms.” Friedan and Steinem preached that we were powerful, strong and smart. Didn’t we know that already? We’re strong enough to carry a human being in our bodies, powerful enough to push it out of a very tiny opening and then magically produce food to nourish this offspring and smart enough (well, most of us) not to do it again! That’s what the birth control pill was for. (That and so we could slut around like men (before HIV/AIDS and crazy STD’s) because, dammit, we like fucking, too! )

Instead of using our keen wits to keep as much free time to ourselves as possible, like lemmings, we followed the preaching of these two charlatans. We really gave up our power to persuade, our talent for guile, to become “Super Woman.” We didn’t even get the cool bullet deflecting bracelets or that nifty lasso, did we? Nope. Most of us didn’t get Lynda Carter’s killer boobs, either. (I have another theory about bras and boobs, but I’ll save it for another time.)

What we got was the shaft. Peter Steele’s shaft would’ve been nice but, NO! We all toddled into a bottomless shaft of careers, being wives/mothers, jobs, teacher, driver, entertainment chairwoman, CEO, CFO, negotiator, chief cook and bottle washer. Butcher, baker …

Men were joyous! They could forgo all decision making. When there was a fuck-up, they could blame women. They could slack off with work because we were, “bringing home the bacon and frying it up in a pan.” Of course something important would come up for then when it was time to drive to dance rehearsal or the dentist or stay home if the kids were sick. Remember, WOMEN CAN DO AND HAVE IT ALL!

So, can we have/do/be all? Apparently not. A brilliant woman spoke on TV the other day verifying my hypothesis. I didn’t get to watch the whole segment because I had to do some dishes, walk the dogs, fold laundry and clean the cat box before I went to work. The gist of it is that thirty-something years ago when all this malarkey about being the willing, the knowing able to accomplish the impossible with nothing crap got started we were too brainwashed to realize that all we were going to get was exhausted, frustrated and angry. And we’d be hungry. Hungry because all the while we were changing the world, we still had to look gorgeous and be able to do it all day, everyday in fuck-me-pumps. (Hello? Manolo Blahnik, Jimmy Choo, Steve Madden – MEN!)

I do realize that some women have been able to become the Betty Friedan/Gloria Steinem ideal. Good for them. Me, I’m a total failure at it. I suck at multi-tasking. I never wanted to be in charge of anything or anyone. I wanted to be an artist. Yes, I know that I made my own decisions. I had free will and all that crap. Nevertheless, I think things should have been left alone. Since everyone (pretty much) has free will, the women that wanted to could have fought the good fight and the ones that liked the men bringing home the money, mowing the lawn, playing golf, coulda just stayed home to look after the children, go to yoga, fuck the pool boy, and bake cookies. You know, the Donna Reed woman. I should have just kept my intelligence and abilities under wraps. I should have only let them out in small measure. On the other hand, I could have just been very selfish and done it all, been it all only for me. *I* know *I* would have appreciated me!

One of my nightmares is seeing Gloria and perhaps Janeane Garofalo (since dear Betty is gone. Hopefully to a suitable “reward”) sitting in leather chairs, drinking Scotch. Gloria is scratching her junk and they are both laughing as discuss the change they hath wrought. Bitches!

Since change is the only constant in life, I think that I’ll use what brains and life force I have left to engage my brilliance, ingenuity and passion to figure out a way to settle the score – a way to have it all but have it MY way! I know I’ll do it because, after all, I am a woman...

And I’ve got gin!

20 blew out from under the bed:

Loving Annie said...

So true !!!! The nefarious plot that undermined and undermines millions of women everywhere finally revealed in your post - you go Nitebytd ! Tell them the truth unflinchingly ! We have to stop doing it ALL for the benefit of men and equal things out !!!
MEN should be doing more (worker plus household chores and parenting) and expecting less praise. Women should be doing less (fewer jobs 3 of the 7 not all 7 - mother, worker, lover, wife, cook, laundress, friend) and expecting more praise - voila, balance !

Ron said...

BRAVO!

applause...applause...applause!!!

You Go!

I think more and more women are starting to realize this.

And let me tell ya, I need to have my mother read this post because she would TOTALLY be nodding her head saying, "Yeah...Yeah...Yeah!"

Excellent post, Sis!

X ya!

George said...

Don't you just love hypotheses? I firmly believe that what you say could be absolutely true. Somebody contrived (with others) to make us believe what was fabricated. Example ... the cards companies must have decided one day to make up a day for different members of families ... mothers, fathers, grandparents, lovers, sweethearts, etc., etc., etc.

It is a conspiracy I tell you.

That being said, here is my hypothesis about God and religion.

One day, a few thousands of years ago, the cave people were sitting around chewing some fat when all of a sudden a great flash of lightning split the sky.

WTF was that they said. They were frightened because they had never seen anything like it before.

One Neanderthal, a bit quicker and brighter than the rest, said that it was God.

After much debating and fighting there was another lightening strike and a tree burst into flames (where the BBQ was born).

Was that God too they inquired of the smart one.

You betcha and I think he is pissed about something.

What happened is that the cave people decided to appease God by sacrificing a young virgin (who doesn't like young (legal age of course) virgins?

Turns out that there were no other lightning bolts that night so they figured their worship of God had done the trick.

Hence, God and religion were born that night and has evolved ever since.

Sorrow said...

Fucking brilliant!
YES! yes! yes!
I bow before your greatness!
Stands next to Ron and applauds loudly!

Akelamalu said...

You're so right! Unfortunately I was sucked in until 5 years ago when I saw the light, MWM retired and now he does it all I just go to work and have a relatively easy life. :)

Ronjazz said...

I could see this in some alternative publication, railing away at the constancy of male foolishness and greed. I was chuckling the entire time, Byrd!

rage said...

Well, that explains why I am doing the same work as (and getting paid less than) my male counterparts.

Mortuis said...

Hear, hear!

Your theory not only has merit, I think it's the ONLY way to explain a whole generation of women turning into hamsters and running madly on this eternal exercise wheel - contantly on the go, but getting nowhere.

All hail Nitebyrd!

Kyra said...

All hail Nitebyrd, indeed!

You took my thoughts, spinned them around and put them into a word-perfect post.

Cheers!

frustrated wife said...

You took the words right out of my mouth....I have had these same thoughts for years....we were sold a can of worms and we all took it hook, line and sinker....now we need to have others understand this same point....thanks for voicing this point for all of us.

Anonymous said...

Men SUCK !! nitebyrd~ you tell em how it is girl... and tell it well you done!

Real Live Lesbian said...

Brilliant post!

nitebyrd said...

Annie ~ I was afraid of posting this because I thought I might be the only one who felt this way. Obviously, not. It just pisses me off that I fell for it.

Ron ~ Thank you. Yes, based on what the woman on TV said, we are starting to wake-up and realize that the whole Super Woman/Mom thing is hogwash.

George ~ I don't usually get in on political or religious discussions but your God theory is damn close to my own. Something to control the masses.

Sorrow ~ I'm smiling because I thinking of your applause was what startled the turkey! LOL

Akelamalu ~ MWM deserves a hug for being a man that stepped up and did the right thing.

Ronjazz ~ I actually believe that this information should be spread far and wide. It could start a new revolution, don't you think? ;) All us ladies could go back to waxing the floor and cleaning the kitchen in fuck-me-pumps!

Rage ~ Oh! YES! That was definitely part of their plan.

Mortius ~ I'm hoping the next generation will be smarter. I do see signs of hope. My daughter is a great distributor of housework and her husband listens and does.

Kyra ~ Thanks. It's something I've been thinking about a long time.

frustrated wife ~ Welcome! (She's a new blogger. Y'all should hit her up!) I really am pleased that so many agree with me, men and women!

Anonymous ~ Thank you!

Real Live Lesbian ~ I did feel a flash of genius when my thoughts finally got together into something coherent. I've had bits and pieces drifting around for quite awhile. Thank you.

Dante d'Amore said...

Gin & tonic not only helps you think clearly, it'll also turn you into Superwoman.At least until the next morning when you realize the gin was imported from Planet Krypton.

nitebyrd said...

Dante d'Amore ~ Thank you for stopping by! There isn't enough gin in the world to make me want to become one of those Super Women again! My next home won't have a kitchen, just a fridge to keep the gin chilled. ;)

vixen kitten said...

I agree. You are brilliant!

Please run for president. :)

xoxo
~vk~

nitebyrd said...

vixen kitten ~ LOL! That's an idea. I KNOW I'd be better than Hilary, should she ever get in!

Southern Sage said...

I would say those folks backed abortion but I know where you stand on that!!!!
;-)

Those fellas said "hey then we can fuck em all and not have to take a lick of responsibility for our actions!"

hehe

Perfectly said, and very accurate. Excellent post!

nitebyrd said...

Sage ~ I thought this post sort of went along with the hullabaloo you've got at your place.

(Pro-CHOICE, NOT Pro-abortion!)

jam said...

wonderful post. maybe our daughters will wake up if we help them see the light.