Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Fear of Farts


I come from a long line of "closet" farters. We DO NOT EVER fart in the company of others.  My family are also very polite belchers. We hide our time gaseous esophageal eruptions behind a closed mouth with a dainty hand in front of our lips. And we always say, "Excuse me." 

Should anything monumental start rumbling from stomach to mouth or God Forbid! - churning and threatening to escape from our bowels, we run like the wind to the "closet".  I kid you not!  I don't even recall my nephews farting or letting loose a rip-roaring burp in front of me even when they were the age that farts and burps would've been hysterical! 

Fear of public farting brings me to the reason for this post.  In my never ending effort to get fit, I started doing yoga.  Have y'all ever done yoga?  When watching professional yoga practitioners, the movements are graceful and fluid.  Those yogis have no body fat, no jiggly bits and have perfected inner peace.  They also, apparently, have a spiritual way of controlling their farts.  I believe that this last part is the most important thing I must learn.


While I know that flatulence is natural, I'm unable to get to the point where it feels fine to let one rip in a roomful of people.  Especially strangers.  Yoga tends to stretch and bend the body in a variety of unnatural positions. The accomplished yogi looks beautiful doing these gruesome healthful postures.  I, on the other hand, look like the Michelin Man after Thanksgiving dinner.  My muscles rebel, my ligaments scream, my diaphragm contorts, my brain doesn't know what to do with all the blood rushing into it, and my intestines twist and turn, threatening to expel whatever gas may be lurking in there out into the atmosphere of the room.

All the while I'm pretzeling myself into, "child's pose", "down dog" and "half-moon", my butt cheeks are tightly clenched.  They are locked together even during my favorite pose - "corpse pose", just in case. 

I'm able to let go of the day and get the tension out during the class.  I'm able to stretch and release different muscles, albeit with some difficulty, but I'm NEVER going to be able to let go or release a public fart.  Should one escape, despite my best efforts, I can always take Zumba.


11 blew out from under the bed:

Pallas Renatus said...

Bahaha, perhaps it's the rabbit-food diet yogis tend to prefer :)

CrystalChick said...

My family, then and now, have never had much trouble letting go. My dad used to say something like... oops, I did a gasser, better light a match. Hubs family called them futsies or bunnies with the kids and they just thought it was so funny so the kids would do one and say... ooh, I did a futsy and then laugh and do it again and laugh some more.

I'm with you though on a yoga class or any other public place. It would be horrifying. Actually, I do remember one time in Target I bent down to look at something and one snuck out. I was so embarrassed that all I could do was laugh, my husband was roaring, and the guy at the end of the aisle must have wanted to shop quick and get to the check-out. LOL

I think it's great you are getting into yoga. Enjoy!

Ron said...

Nitebyrd, I LOVE that last graphic!

HILARIOUS!!!!!

Bwhahahahhahahaa!

I hear ya about yoga and farting because I've taken classes before and had to use every ounce of will power NOT to let one RIP!

Yet, there were other people in the class who thought nothing of letting them go - HA!

Glad to hear you're taking yoga and enjoying it. To me, it's the best form of exercise for body, mind, and spirit!

X ya, Sis!

Fat Controller said...

You are a dangerous lady! I'm currently sitting in a small waiting room with at my car dealership in the company of a handful of strangers while my car is being serviced. This post made me laugh out loud!

Fat Controller said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Fat Controller said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Fat Controller said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
D..J. Kirkby said...

I'm with you on the closet farting. Long may it continue!

Dianne said...

my granddaughter announces her farts proudly
my brother belches to show tunes

I'm a bit more shy about it
but in yoga class, stay in the back row and let er rip :)

Akelamalu said...

At least in Zumba the loud music hides a multitude of sins. ;)

Anonymous said...

ROTFLMAO! Nothing to me is sexier than to see and hear a woman let one rip. Fuck this pooting stuff....I appreciate when one can keep up and excel at the fine art of flatulence.