Tuesday, May 13, 2008


I think I’m having phantom PMS. I’m royally fucking pissed off. I’m grouchy. I’m totally insane. I’m even bloated. Bloody fucking hell! Thank the Gods I have no access to weapons.

So, my dear readers and friends, I’m gonna let loose on YOU! I’m one of those people that keep pushing all the petty, moderate and ginormous annoyances into a lovely, poisonous stew that simmers and bubbles for a long while until … it EXPLODES!!! And leaves you gasping for breath, crying, covered in noxious green, chunky goo. That’s how I roll, folks.

I want you to sit down, shut up and hold on for the ride. Here’s what all the thoughts in my head look like:

This ain’t gonna be pretty. It probably won’t make much sense – stream of consciousness, ya know. But I’m going to let it out. Warning: DO NOT TRY TO COMMENT WITH LOGIC!!! It will be ignored. My rants have nothing to do with logic. If I were logical, I wouldn’t be arguing with myself all the time or trying to corral thoughts zipping around my head like deaf bats on crack. These are three of the combustible thoughts that I was able to catch today.

#1. After many years of “sex as a chore,” I ventured out to find “fun” sex. It was during this time that Mulder had done something that shoved me off the edge right into the abyss. I hated, despised, disrespected, ignored and generally had no use for Mulder. I started reading blogs, articles, fiction, fantasy, medical journals , memoirs, etc. on sex. I discussed it with cyber-friends because I have very few RL friends. I bought my first vibrator and started to masturbate. Oh! BABY, I LOVED it!!! I discovered what I really like and need to orgasm. I could make myself cum with my fingers or the Rabbit. I started to see myself as sexy, desirable and interesting – not a fat, dull, middle-aged woman. As things progressed and I sunk deeper into the abyss, I sought out medical treatment for clinical depression. This came with medication and therapy. I doubt the therapy has had the same effect on my overall ability to achieve orgasm but I’m pretty sure the medication does. I still have to take medication because I’m s-l-o-w-l-y climbing out of the abyss and it’s got slippery walls. Is it the Wellbutrin I take for depression? Is it the Paxil I take for panic disorder? Is it the Lisinopril for blood pressure or the Lipitor for cholesterol? Whichever the fuck it is, it’s pissed me off. My clitoris is dead and my g-spot nonexistent. If Mulder, Art or any prospective “dates” tried to make me cum with just their tongue of fingers, they’d be walking around with nubs mumbling incoherently. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck! I have to buy batteries in bulk because all my vibrators get so much use. I’m surprised THEY haven’t blown up or shorted out because they are “on” for so freakin’ long. Dammit!

#2. I’m tired. I’m tired of working, tired of stupid people, tired of traffic, tired of exorbitant gas prices. Just plain fucking weary. My boss is a good boss but he thinks everyone in the office should be, “like a family.” I’ve got my own real family and that’s quite enough for me. There is not one person in that office that I would choose as a friend let alone want as a family member. *Sigh* My co-worker that sits not three feet from me is like Martha Stewart, Betty Crocker, Mary, your nosey next-door-neighbor and mother all rolled into one. She prays for me. S.H.E. P.R.A.Y.S. F.O.R. M.E!!! She refuses to recognize that Mulder and I are divorced. She wants me to eat stuff, all the fucking time. Trust me, I can miss a few meals without any lasting effects on my body. She knows everyone’s name, what job they do, and all their business. You know, their life history business. I couldn’t care less about any of it. I don’t like to talk much less talk about random work people that don’t interest me in the least. Although I respect her desire to lead a “good Christian life.” With a strong belief in God, etc. She doesn’t respect my wishes NOT to be prayed for and that I have God issues and prefer NOT to have religious education during work hours or EVER for that matter. My small consolation with this is she hates swearing so I make sure I swear a lot and say, “FUCK!!!” as many times a day as I can.

#3. Having an argument in my head with the 90% bitch Dust Bunny and the 10% nice Dust Bunny about a guy I’ve been talking to. He so totally does NOT get the whole “Friends with Benefit” arrangement. He said that was what he was looking for because he’s been hurt several times. What he said and what he says are at two ends of the universe. I don’t want another full-time man. I don’t want to be someone else’s mother or constant companion. I definitely don’t need another person looking to me to be their entertainment, their problem solver or plaything. Mulder and I are trying to work out a satisfactory arrangement that will make us both happy with our new selves. This is work. Trust me, friends. Most days are difficult. (I’ll leave you with that right now. The Mulder and me situation is an ongoing story and I haven’t really even given you much to go on about that yet.) This man I’m talking to, comments, suggests, taunts, teases, berates, whines and generally gets on my last nerve. But here’s the rub – the evil Bunny wants to tell him to, “Fuck off, Jack!” but the good Bunny doesn’t want to hurt him. I DON’T WANT TO HURT SOMEONE I’VE NEVER LAID EYES ON! How fucking messed up is that?

By the way, have y’all seen Amy Winehouse lately? Isn’t she the most pitiful excuse for a human being? Who or Whatever is responsible for creation of the species certainly does have a wicked, warped, twisted sense of humor.

I have more but I think I’ll let it rest tonight. You’re all probably bleeding from your eyes right about now anyway.

17 blew out from under the bed:

Ron said...

WOW...what a freaking FABULOUS VENT!!

There doesn't have to be "logic" in venting...you just let it RIP!

And doesn't it feel GREAT?

I bet you'll feel better tomorrow!

Ok...that's all I wanted to say.

Love ya, Nitebyrd!

P.S. oooh...and I quite often feel like the photo at the end of this post!

Mortuis said...

Let's say the practical Bunny rather than the evil Bunny... I've never seen any sign of evil, and the fact that you haven't told this obviously annoying suitor to go fuck himself is, I think, proof of that.

Vi said...

That's pretty severe PMT you've got going there!

*ducks flying shoe*

Anonymous said...

Perhaps a Plug-i Vibrator?... (but that's not logic C;P)

Sorrow said...

"No No No,don't want to go to rehab"
with all the drugs miss winehouse takes can you imagine how numb her clit must be?
my completely unsolicited and unprayed for advice (ooooh that was evil...)
go to the good will, by 5$ worth of dishes, find a dumpster and smash them as hard as you can against the side walls. The explosion is better than sex..( more times than not)
then come and vent some more..
we can take it...

The Middle Child said...

I saw this vibrator called The Cone.. it's pink and cute and have many many settings... too bad it costs so much! I need one! My bf never "does it" for me, ever. I'm always left laying on the bed so he can leave while I finish. How fucking embarassing is that? Here's the link.. check it out...

Have a happy period.. haha, whoever came up with that ad campaign should be shot dead!

A. Secret said...

Oh I have soooooo been there. Get and stay drunk till it passes. That's my advice.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

nitebyrd...I fucking love you!Really, I fucking love you! That was the best vent evah! I love it that you roll like that.

God...babes, You fucken ROCK! Don't you just hate it when you get like that and there's no one to choke!

Babes...next time you feel this coming on, you call me. I'll fly there and we'll go out and skake up that town and the next! Don't worry...I'll make sure Carmichael has money to bail us out of jail in the morning. Oh and don't worry about the charges against us...I have fab lawyers. If all else fails...pssst, we'll bribe the judge. My uncle Pauly will make him an offer he can't refuse...badda bing...badda boom. :P

Ciao baby...*wink-wink*

Lady in red said...

why do you think I bought a 4lb mallet last weekend?

Anonymous said...

Oh man can i relate

Joanna Cake said...


Jackie Adshead said...

Yeah, you vent your rage. We'll listen! Change the things you can and ride with the things you can't. Start with the Christan lady and tell her that if she wants to pray for you she can, BUT you NO WAY want to be told she is doing! She's playing the passive aggressive with you! Tell her to mind her own effing business if she CARES for you! If that doesn't work, swear more in her hearing!!

Indi said...

Hold on to life, keep climbing girl, with friends who love and care for you, they, we'll pull you out. I can relate to how you feel, what you've felt. I have never met anyone who can satisfy me, only I can do that, I too wanna scream alot, strangle people, rant n rave, I need anger management!! Hold tight..((((( cyba hugs n kisses))))

Fire Byrd said...

Oh what a great post to reappear to.
You tell it like it is girl, com'on' don't hold back, we know you'll feel better when you've done praying with your colleague.... Don't hit me.... it's a joke!!!!
Now you going to call by and see the new me? You can come over and curse if you like!

Lady in red said...

did you have to send all your relatives over for a visit just as I was dismantling my old bed? they were everywhere I looked wouldn't keep still and objected like demented derlishes when I tried to zap them with the vacuum. I am sorry if I have hurt your family but they just don't fit in with my new room

Utter Basketcase said...


Bloody brilliant! :-) xxxx

nitebyrd said...

Ron ~ Yes, to vent does feel good. I have many more vents a-brewin'. I usually look exactly like the woman in the picture. YIKES!

Magnus ~ I'm a little evil. Just a tad. I believe the gentleman has realized that I am not going to be what he wants and has reopened his dating site profile.

Vi ~ I've found the phantom PMS is just as bad as the real PMS. Dammit!

Craig Andrew ~ I'm thinking about a Hitachi Wand with the attachments. Orgasm trumps logic!

Sorrow11 ~ People like Amy Winehouse and that other weasel, I can't remember his name, are sorry excuses for humans. They squander the talent The Gods have given them. I like the dish idea! Thanks!

the middle child ~ The one thing I don't have to worry about is "the period" but I agree that the Happy Period people should be wrapped in maxi-pads and pushed off a dock.

a. secret ~ Drunk is good. Very good.

Spiky ~ I fucking love you, too. C'mon down anytime! Bring the kids, bring your girl, your boys - whoever. We'll go have a great time! Mulder would think he died and went to heaven!

Lady in Red ~ You got to beat the shit out of your old bed! Awesome aggression relief!

anonymous ~ High Five! Sister or Brother!

having my cake ~ Thank you, hun!

jackie ~ Oh, she got on that last nerve again today but I won't get started. Why is it that people who appear sickeningly sweet piss me right off?

indigo ~ If I lived there or you lived here maybe we could get a two-for-one in the anger management classes! LOL I scream a lot in my car to and from work. It helps.

byrd ~ Welcome back, hun! I'm so glad you didn't stay away for long. I'm hoping to rectify the working situation very soon.

Lady ~ I'm so sorry but it's tough to keep the young ins' all together sometimes. I usually don't do much furniture moving so I never know if they're home or have scatter to the four corners. ;) I'm very happy about your new bed.

Giggle ~ Thank you, sweetie!