Monday, June 16, 2008

At Home With The Dust Bunny & Mulder

Ten years ago, I bought myself a Mother’s Day present. His name is Biscuit, he’s a Maltese. I lurvvve him very, very much. When I got Biscuit, he was just about the size and color of a buttermilk biscuit. Hence the name.

I gave him one of my daughter’s old stuffed animals to play with when I brought him home. Biscuit’s idea of “playing” and mine were miles apart. Biscuit decided that the small stuffed lamb was not a toy but was his girlfriend. Biscuit, at the tender age of about two months old, started humping that stuffed animal like it was the last female on earth! Many days, I had to hide the girlfriend up in the closet just to get Biscuit to eat or take a nap. He wasn’t particularly interested in other dogs and/or cats – male or female; he was head over heels in love with his stuffed lamb.

When Biscuit was three months old, it was time for the “operation.” I know that all you guys out there are touching your balls reassuring yourselves that yours are still there. Yup, I just KNOW it! I whisked Biscuit off for the de-balling one morning and was told to pick him up about five that afternoon.

I went to get him at the designated time. The vet gave me all the instructions, which are minimal and then took my sweet, slightly goofy Biscuit home. He was still under the effects of anesthesia so he wasn’t much interested in food but he did stand by the closet his girlfriend was in, looking wistfully upwards. I figured it couldn’t hurt for him to have the stuffed lamb because after all, he’d just had his balls cut off and probably wasn’t feeling very amorous. I forgot for a brief moment that a male is male whether human or dog. Biscuit, woozy with drugs and a sore nether region, went after the lamb like a man possessed. I was shocked but respectfully turned away so that Biscuit could enjoy the last of his testosterone.

After several minutes, I heard Biscuit sort of whining. I looked back over to where he was. I noticed he’d stopped humping and was standing a bit bow-legged. I went to pick him up and realized that my sweet, adorable, cute, cunning, baby Biscuit had the biggest, fucking erection I’d ever seen out of a porn movie!

Biscuit is approximately 10” tall, 13” long and weights 10 pounds. His penis was as hard as marble, jutting from his body at least 7.5 inches. Needless to say, I was totally horrified. “MULDER! MULDER!” I screamed. “Call the vet! Quick, CALL THE DAMN VET!” Mulder comes running from another part of the house, panic stricken that something awful had happened. I lifted Biscuit up by his front legs to show Mulder what was wrong. I swear to Gods, Mulder had a prideful look in his eyes, like – “That’s MY dawg! Damn!” Then reality hit and it dawned on Mulder he was going to have to call the vet to ask them what to do about HIS dawg’s world-class boner!

You know how you hear stories at work about the stupidity or naivety of customers, co-workers, patients, etc? Well, if you ever get a job at the XXXXX XXXXXXX Animal Hospital in Florida, you’ll hear about the guy that wanted to know how to deflate the ginormous erection his post-surgical Maltese had. Mulder says that on days the wind is just right, he can hear the vet, the technicians, the receptionists and anyone else who happened to be there that day, pissing themselves laughing.

I don’t tell him, it’s just me re-living the moment of his phone call.

(You put an ice-pack on the affected area and that hard-on goes down faster that a $10 hooker!)

30 blew out from under the bed:

Ron said...

Holy Shit Nitebyrd....I just read this post on my google reader and laughed my friggin' ass off!!

I'm still trying to visualize a 7.5 inch penis on a dog!!! I mean, I can see it on a HORSE, but a dog?!?!?!

(are you sure the vet FIXED him...or ENHANCED him???)

God...what a FUNNY story!!!

I give this post an award...


P.S. Hey, and by the way, I love a Maltese. I've never seen a more cuter puppy in all my life!

Ms Leather N Pearls said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ms Leather N Pearls said...

I'm going to remember to remove our pugs "friends" after he gets "fixed" untill he is all better.

Trixie said...

LMAO! Poor little doggy! Did he stop humping his lamb after that?

Fat Controller said...

'...goes down faster that a $10 hooker'

LMAO. That is hilarious!

Jackie Adshead said...

Is this the dog you asked me if I'd paint? I'd be delighted to paint him. I know I've got enough white paint for his cute little body, and I've got enough black for his dark sparkling eyes ..... I just don't think I've got enough PINK for the rest of him!!!!! LMAO

Real Live Lesbian said...

LMAO...I'm dyin' laughing over here!~

Anonymous said...

thats way tff.qolgg

Deech said...

ROTFLMAO! I loved your graphic visuals as well.


Anonymous said...

Yup... I had to check. They're still there. you never know with how the aliens work these days... flying in and doing all sorts of things while we are asleep. C;)

The Middle Child said...


I took my cat not too long ago. He wasn't even woozy when I picked him up. To me it was like he was at the sitter's house all day or something. I'm sure if he heard me say that he'd scratch out my eyeballs though!

Akelamalu said...

Oh Gawd, you made me pee myself laughing! :)

Ronjazz said...

Lived on the farm, honey. When the cows would get like that, you simply slap it down! It goes away fast...and after all, if my cock got bitchslapped, I'm sure I would hibernate, too!

Constance said...

Why did it need to go down ???

A. Secret said...

That is HYSTERICAL!!! Only you can manage to combine sex and humor in one, and so well! Love it!

JRM said...

*spewing water on my monitor* omg, that's hysterical!!! Ice... funny funny... I grew up with a Maltese, loved that little guy!!!!

CrystalChick said...

bwaaaahhhaaaa funny story!!!
OMG, I think my dogs can read. They ran off to hide.

p.s. did you get a package yet????

Spiky Zora Jones said...

hehehe...hahaha. Oh my...I didn't know that. When I had a guy with the a world class boner I knew several ways to make it go down (licks lips) and none of them had anything to do with ice packs.
hehehe. I can just imagine the phone conversation with the vet. hehehe

John-Michael said...

Checking the Yellow Pages for a good Imagologist to perform an emergency Imagectomy.

Too hilarious! Thank You, Darlin'!

Love You bunches.

Fire Byrd said...

what can I say.... I'm speechless.... makes a change.... just stuck with the imagery... OMG

trublmaka said...

Oh poor puppy. LMFAO!!!
That is hilarious!

Naughty K said...

I couldn't stop laughing. That's the funniest thing that I've read in a long time... Happy HNT!

Jeff B said...

Sounds like biscut was making some gravy over there! Damn that was a halarious post.

Fat Controller said...

...Stopped laughing for long enough to tag you. Have a look on mine to see what it's all about

DJ Kirkby said...

OMG! Only you could deliver a post like this! How hilarious?

nitebyrd said...

ron ~ It was the scariest thing I'd seen since Pennywise popped up on screen.

ms LnP ~ That doesn't work. Biscuit still gets the mutant erection every once in a while. There's always an ice pack in the freezer, just in case.

trixie ~ No. We still have the poor lamb. I was it every so often. It get's pretty gross.

fat controller ~ Yeah. It was pretty funny to see it withdraw at an alarming rate. The look on Biscuit's face was priceless! I'll be getting to the meme very soon.

jackie ~ Yes, he's the one! I think I'd want him painted sans erection even if with would make a really interesting painting. LOL

real live lesbian ~ Hi! Thanks for stopping by. I'm glad you enjoyed the post.

sage ~ Thanks, but what the fuck is tff.qolgg?

flyinfox ~ I enjoy looking for appropriate graphics. Thanks!

craig andrew ~ I'm very glad everything is where it's supposed to be. I hate when they get moved around.

middle child ~ It's one of those stories that become hysterically funny AFTER the event!

akelamalu ~ Careful! Maybe I'll post a Depends warning in the future! LOL Thank you for stopping by.

annie ~ Biscuit couldn't walk with his huge penis at attention, so deflating it was a wise decision.

a. secret ~ Thank you. I try to find the humor in most everything. It's my nature.

jrm ~ Glad you enjoyed the post. He is my baby. I love him to pieces.

crystalchick ~ Thank you again for the fantastic earrings. They look fantastic!

spiky ~ The phone conversation was the best part. I was too worried about Biscuit to enjoy the hilarity at the time but I still giggle over it.

john-michael ~ You give me such wonderful images so I'll apologize to you for the crazy ones I give you. As long as you're laughing, they can't be too bad. ;)

bollinger byrd ~ I'll apologize to you for the image as well. LOL

trublmaka ~ Thanks, hun!

naughty k ~ Glad you liked it and got a good laugh. My job is done! Thank you for coming by.

jeff ~ Yes, he was. I'll have a future post about our masturbating parrot. Stay tuned.

dj kirkby ~ Thank you so much, you published writer you! :D I'm very happy you found it funny and it made you laugh.

Anndi said...

That was the funniest vet story I ever read!

My beagle, Shark-dog aka Chelsea, humps our Shepherd/Husky mix on the head... quite humiliating for a boy dog who is almost as heavy as I am.

Riff Dog said...

That is freakin' hysterical!

nitebyrd said...

anndi ~ Thanks for coming by. Our two boy beagles take turns humping each other. It's a sad thing as they are also de-balled. I have the horniest damn dogs!

riff dog ~ Yeah. It's still one we talk about at family dinners!

Utter Basketcase said...


Dog or not... this story is very romantic! :-P *GiGGLeS* xx