My niece, who knows me very well, gave me a calendar last year called, “An Insult a Day.” It’s one of my favorite calendars, ever! Here’s a few of the best from January through today:
The last bit of methane left in the intestine of the dead cow that is post-modernism.
~ critic Robert Hughes on Jeff Koon’s “Jeff in the Position of Adam” *
Men are such idiots, and I married their king.
~ Peg Bundy (Married With Children)
You’re enough to try the patience of an oyster!
~ Lewis Carroll
California has the most lawyers in the country and New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites. The reason? New Jersey got first choice!
~ Joan Rivers
He’s got two brain cells: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
Do you want me to accept you as you are – or do you want me to like you?
Hunched in its ravine, it is a hard-bitten, proletarian town, populated by immigrants … from beyond the Carpathian mountains. Bingo parlors abound, as do establishments dealing in prosthetics.
~ journalist Peter Conrad about Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania in The Observer Review of London
She was a professional athlete – of the tongue.
~ Aldous Huxley
He who joyfully marches to music in rand and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake since, for him, the spinal cord would fully suffice.
~ Albert Einstein
She truly has the soul of a moth and the brain of a dead trout.
~ Scott Sandler, friend of actor James Woods, on Wood’s ex-girlfriend
Converse with any plankton lately?
You look like a haggis with pointed toes. A tight old bladder skin holding together some rotting offal.
~ Saffron, to her mother after a Botox treatment on Absolutely Fabulous
Who among us has not gazed thoughtfully and patiently at a painting by Jackson Pollock and thought, “What a piece of crap”? *
~ critic Rob Long 1992
What she lacks in tact, she makes up for in being a complete moron.
~ political blogger John Amato
She gives lunatics a bad name.
~ Billy Crystal about Courtney Love
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
She’s uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.
~ Southern expression
* In "Dust Bunny" world, I'm an artist. In the real world, I'm a Nickelback fan so I really hate pompous needle-dick critics but a good insult is a good insult. That's the way I roll.