Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Manners, Music and The South

In September, me and Mulder drove up to Fayetteville, North Carolina for a concert. One of my most favorite things in the world is going to rock concerts. I just love the whole experience. Normally, I loathe being near people and abhor crowds but put me in an arena in front of a stage with hot young guys beating drums, ripping guitars and booming rock & roll and I'm in heaven. I can't explain it but the feeling of freedom and exhilaration I get is just amazing like the worlds best orgasm

Mark Tremonti - ALTER BRIDGE
I've been to many concerts over the past several years – festival concerts, small club concerts, arena/stadium concerts – you name it, I've been to it. Usually I don't travel out of state for a show but because one of my favorite bands, Alter Bridge, was going to Europe and then taking some time off, I HAD to go to North Carolina to see them. My concert experience in Fayetteville was … um, fucking nuts unique, to say the least.

Somewhere there is written, or if they're unwritten, I'm writing them now - etiquette guidelines for rock concerts. Now, I know that there will always be exceptions to the rule but in beautiful downtown Fayetteville, the exceptions were the rule. Sweet Jesus, Mary and Don Kirshner! , these people must have never seen a rock &roll band EVER! I'm now going to tell y'all every rule of rock concert etiquette broken in North Carolina, USA.

Keith Wallen - ADELITA'S WAY
#1 ~ Arrive at the venue before the doors open. If you want your butt hanging on the rail smack dab in front of band, you need to get into the venue BEFORE the first band even thinks of walking on stage. Just because you only want to see the third band of a five band show doesn't mean you can come late and drunk. It doesn't mean that your late, drunk ass is going to just saunter up and try to squeeze my sober, early ass off the rail. Show some respect to ALL the artists as well as the concert attendees that have stood in line in the heat outside for 45 minutes while you were sucking down Bud Lights in the bar next door.

#2 ~ If you have arrived early, gotten your spot on the rail, but only want to see the third band of a five band show, at least look like you're enjoying the performances the other four bands are putting on. Standing in the front row like a damn corpse is just plain rude. If you don't clap, scream, sing and generally rock your face (and ass) off, go see Michael Buble.

#3 ~ After you've arrived late and drunk, DO NOT expect to push my early ass off the rail because you want to see the third band of a five band show. This repeats what I said in #1, it 's worth repeating. The reason I always wear either boots or thick soled shoes and keep my elbows bent at a concert, is because of people like you.

#4 ~ Ladies, regardless of the fact that you've put on your best Victoria's Secret push-up-demi-balconette-wonder bra, your finest J.C. Penney semi-sheer, off-the-shoulder top, your brand-new pajama jeans and your peep-toe-sling-back-fuck-me-pumps, the lead singer of the third band of a five band show is NOT going to leap off the stage and boink your brains out in the audience. He won't get paid and you just might get an elbow in your pushed-up, fiberfill enhanced tit because you keep smacking me in the face with it.

#5 ~ Full body contact from random strangers can be enjoyable on occasion, but I prefer that they:
  • Not be drunk 
  • Not be chewing tobacco 
  • Not be wearing a gimme cap from the local plumbing supply company 
  • Dean Back - TOAD
  • Not be raising their arms, wildly waving rock horns whilst screaming, “YAAAAAAH, Rock & Roll”, having not taken a shower after working at the local slaughterhouse. 
This behavior will definitely get you a good stomp on the foot and an elbow to the chest.

Lance Dowdle - EMPHATIC
It's not that concert goers in Florida are perfect, they're not. But these folks in North Carolina were just out of hand. The five bands that played this concert were all excellent. I've seen Alter Bridge seven times, Theory of a Deadman four times and Adelita's Way twice – great musicians and they all can rock the fucking house down. Emphatic was new to me and they were great. Apparently Black Stone Cherry, who was fantastic, was the only band familiar to the denizens of Fayetteville. They were the third band of the five band Carnival of Madness. I don't know how things went in the other cities this tour went through but my guess is that whoever organized the Fayetteville stop might be out of a job. The arena was only about 1/3 filled. I'm thinkin' Rock & Roll just isn't this towns thing.

It was my thing, though and I rocked my face AND ass right off.

8 blew out from under the bed:

Akelamalu said...

Some people just get on your TITS don't they? :(

Red Shoes said...

AMEN, Sister!!! I have been annoyed by all of the things you've mentioned here... well, except for boobs being pressed against me... ;o)


Ron said...

I so know what you mean about loathing crowds, but enjoying them during a concert, because I feel the same way about loathing crowds at say, a fair or carnival, but not loathing them while being in a city like NY. For some reason, the crowds don't bother me there. Perhaps it's because of all the excitement and energy.

LOVED your list of guidelines!

Especially #4! HILARIOUS!

I've only been to a few stadium concerts myself, and I too LOVE them. The last one I went to was the Moody Blues when I still lived in Florida.

And if you ever what to see RUDE, OBNOXIOUS, and ANNOYING behavior at a public event, come to Philly and just watch how they act during one of their sporting events.

They act like a bunch of wild APES on steroids.

Great post, Sis!


D..J. Kirkby said...

#5 made me laugh!

Nolens Volens said...

I have your face and ass here. Come pick them up at your earliest convenience, no questions asked. No judgment either. ;)

Masshole Mommy said...

LMFAO! Those are all the reasons I will not go to a show like that unless I have a seat. I went with my ex husband once to see Warrant (80's hair band) at this small club in RI called the Station (it burrned down a few years ago and killed a bunch of people - very sad) and it was one of those shows in which I got kicked, elbowed, stepped on, poked, jabbed, grabbed and I get anxiety in crowds like that and I ended up passing out. How embarrassing....and this was all during the opening act so we missed Warrant.

Swingers Attic said...

#4 was pretty funny. I am thinking I'm outta the loop on cool trends though because I don't know what pajama jeans are.

Giles Burt said...

Interestinng read