There are instances in your early life that stain your psyche as red wine will stain a white tablecloth. Those times seep into the woof and warp of your being. Th stain is permanent and unlike a tablecloth, the stains that color your self cannot be tossed away and replaced.
Some people are able to let the stains fade. They incorporate them into their fabric so they are barely noticeable. Others will continually expose their stains to the entire world, never attempting to to hide them. Then there are still others, I think the majority of us, who are aware of the stains and keep trying to diminish them. We don't want the stains to color our lives, even as we know they will. We mentally scrub at them over and over. We know that even though we mask the stains fairly well, they are still evident.
The realization that we are all stained in some way just by remaining alive became very apparent when I was talking to a friend I've known since childhood. She is, outwardly, a vibrant, successful, intelligent woman. Inside she struggles to remove the stains made by the rejection and torment of her two cousins. I never saw the dark marks within her. To me she was and always will be the kind of person I want to have as a friend. She's good, kind, generous, smart, talented, funny and a myriad of other things that maker her a special person. She labors to remove her stains yet hasn't let them color her personality or life to an overwhelming extent. She has and does fight the good fight every day. But I now know that when she looks inward; she doesn't usually see what I see. Many times all she can see is a fat girl with opinions that was shunned because of her body and her sharp wit by thinner more popular relatives.
My friend and I know that what we see in our inner mirror is only a pale illusion of whom and what we really are but we can't escape those stained ghostly images. We carry them with us like an invisible backpack.
I've been told by many that I'm a strong, confident, intelligent, creative woman. My own inner mirror reflects an image of a woman marked with self-doubt, frailty of spirit and stupidity.
My stains are deep.
I know I've been death eating a cracker lately. I'm going to do a couple of fun posts shortly just so y'all don't want to jump in the abyss with me.