Thursday, April 19, 2012


There are instances in your early life that stain your psyche as red wine will stain a white tablecloth.  Those times seep into the woof and warp of your being.  Th stain is permanent and unlike a tablecloth, the stains that color your self cannot be tossed away and replaced.

Some people are able to let the stains fade.  They incorporate them into their fabric so they are barely noticeable.  Others will continually expose their stains to the entire world, never attempting to to hide them. Then there are still others, I think the majority of us, who are aware of the stains and keep trying to diminish them.  We don't want the stains to color our lives, even as we know they will.  We mentally scrub at them over and over.  We know that even though we mask the stains fairly well, they are still evident.

The realization that we are all stained in some way just by remaining alive became very apparent when I was talking to a friend I've known since childhood.  She is, outwardly, a vibrant, successful, intelligent woman.  Inside she struggles to remove the stains made by the rejection and torment of her two cousins.  I never saw the dark marks within her.  To me she was and always will be the kind of person I want to have as a friend.  She's good, kind, generous, smart, talented, funny and a myriad of other things that maker her a special person.  She labors to remove her stains yet hasn't let them color her personality or life to an overwhelming extent. She has and does fight the good fight every day. But I now know that when she looks inward; she doesn't usually see what I see.  Many times all she can see is a fat girl with opinions that was shunned because of her body and her sharp wit by thinner more popular relatives. 

My friend and I know that what we see in our inner mirror is only a pale illusion of whom and what we really are but we can't escape those stained ghostly images.  We carry them with us like an invisible backpack.  

I've been told by many that I'm a strong, confident, intelligent, creative woman.  My own inner mirror reflects an image of a woman marked with self-doubt, frailty of spirit and stupidity.

My stains are deep.

Animation from millan.netI know I've been death eating a cracker lately.  I'm going to do a couple of fun posts shortly just so y'all don't want to jump in the abyss with me.  

10 blew out from under the bed:

BlacknickSculpture said...

Great post Nitebyrd! I can relate to what you wrote concerning carrying around that invisible backpack!

Akelamalu said...

Those stains are part and parcel of the life we have led and only relevant if you let them be. Forget them. x

Ron said...

Stunningly expressed post, Nitebryd!


And you nailed it perfectly...

"...we are all stained in some way just by remaining alive..."

I've gotten to a point in my life were I'm learning to embrace my stains. For years, I tried hiding them and ignoring them. But I realized something...those stains (painful as some of them are) are my greatest lessons to learn from.

And by accepting them, they seem to diminish.

Again, awesome post! And thank you for sharing.

X ya, Sis!

Anonymous said...

We can often times be our own worst enemy.
You are a vibrant and creative and kind and loving and caring soul..
Your stains, I don't see them..
Just your radiance...

Anonymous said...

Beautiful post. I realized long ago that each of us looks into a broken mirror. It takes a lot of work to see ourselves as others see us.

Paul Brads said...

What every your write is fine with me, as long as you write.

Agree or disagree, I love it all.


D..J. Kirkby said...

My stains are deep too, when they seep through to the surface I don't like it. xo

Dianne said...

death eating a cracker? that's a new one, and a good one
and you're never depressing even when you're dark because you're so empathetic and brilliant

my inner mirror is often like a fun house mirror without the fun

I guess I scrub but as I get older and especially since the disability I find I accept more and shove off the stuff I can't change or I use it as fuel

I think you're wonderful and my opinion is very important :)

nitebyrd said...

BlacknickSculpture ~ Thank you! It definitely is something that is always with us. Sometimes lighter but many times heavier than we think we can bear.

Akelamalu ~ I try but they never really do go away. Thank you, hun!

Ron ~ You're most welcome. Sharing can be difficult because it peels away the shields but it also helps me, in a way. There are definitely stains that have made me stronger and have made me a better person. It's the deep, dark ones that continue to trouble me.

Illluminary ~ You make me smile. Thank you for your beautiful feelings.

distracted ~ Thank you. Those internal mirrors are worse than "fun house" ones. Yes, seeing oneself as someone who truly cares for us can be very, very hard. But worthwhile.

Paul ~ Thanks! You never fail to enlighten me and/or make me laugh with your posts. I really appreciate your support. I am trying to get a bit more organized so I have some kind of schedule with blogging. AND reading my favorite blogs!

DJ Kirkby ~ Some days I feel that I'm covered in my stains and they are visible to the entire world. Oh! I loathe those days, too. Thank you for stopping by!

Dianne ~ Death eating a cracker pretty much sums me up a lot of the time! I'm very thankful that I "know" people like you. You make the burden and stains easier to bear.
Thank you SO much, I definitely value your opinion!

Magazine F1 said...

Great read thankyyou