Bank of Evil

I'm not sure if I told y'all or not that back in May, Bank of The Anti-Christ Bank of America granted us a "permanent" mortgage modification. While it is not a fantastic deal, I do very much appreciate that they have waived their late fees and will allow us to continue to pay for the house until 2052.  I'll be 99 years old when the house is paid off.  Then I can retire.

One stipulation with the modification was that the documents needed to be signed and our first "new" payment, in the form of a cashier's check, HAD TO BE RECEIVED BY JUNE 1, 2012.  As we received the packet on May 15th and I was leaving for Pennsylvania on May 24th, it was a little bit of a scurry to get it all together.  The documents were signed and returned by FedEx on May 17th and on May 18th, I went to the bank for the cashier's check.  After that, I noted our account number on the check, attached a copy of the letter Bank of America had sent us, then mailed it certified mail - return receipt requested to the address noted in the mailing.  Several days later I got the return receipt back and confirmation from FedEx that everything was delivered in plenty of time.  I could relax and enjoy my trip.

Yeah, right!.  Bank of Satan Bank of America had ordained that relaxation after almost four years of stress and struggle wasn't going to happen just yet.

On Tuesday, June 12th, I get a call at work from Sandy at ABC Bank.  She is holding a cashier's check made out to Bank of America from me that came to her branch of ABC Bank without any other information except a form letter from BOA stating they can't identify the account number to which the check is supposed to be applied.  I don't bank at Sandy's branch of ABC Bank.  That branch isn't anywhere near my home or office.  WTF?  Panic sets in.  I leave work to get the check then spend the next 1.5 hours on the phone with Satan's Minions several Bank of America employees until I'm finally given someone with two functioning brain cells - Ms. Smart.  She apparently is my Account Manager. She assures me that all will be well, not to worry!  She tells me to trot on over to my local BoA branch here in Hell and I can give them the payment.  She is very calm as I'm still trying to put the fire out on my head and stop my brains from leaking out my ear.  I ask Ms. Smart to put in writing what she has just told me about the "permanent" modification not being in jeopardy because one of Bank of America's cretins copied the account number I'd written on the check wrong on the same check and that the payment would be applied today.  Ms. Smart would send me an email with all that information on it.  Not to worry!  Off I go into the gaping maw of darkness of my local Bank of America.

The teller was very laid back, she smiled a beatific smile as she told me she was sorry but she couldn't accept my payment because Beelzebub's children the Home Retention Dept. hadn't updated my loan in the system.  Since my hair started to ignite again, she suggested I get Ms. Smart on the phone.  I got Ms. Smart on the first try (maybe there is a God!), she chatted with Ms. Prozac for a bit but the bottom line was I couldn't make the payment there.  (It will be possibly two more months before the Home Retention Dept. gets around to updating things.  They're very busy pulling out the fingernails of the newly foreclosed.)

Ms Smart then suggests that she take the payment over the phone.  That's a BRILLIANT IDEA but how will I instantaneously transform this cashier's check in my hand back into money in my account?  Ms Smart (no wonder she's an assistant to The Prince of Fucking Darkness The President and CEO of Bank of America!) tells me to go to my branch of ABC Bank, they will null and void it then put the money back in my account.  I have approximately an hour to do this.

At my branch of ABC Bank, Mr. Rip Van Winkle is in front of me.  He has woken up and is now catching up on 20 years worth of banking.  My bank, not being as prestigious as Bank of America, has only one teller working.  The manager, while helpful and apparently on the same medication as Ms Prozac, can't fix the check situation, I must wait for the teller. *sigh*

To make a long story longer, I got it all done just under the wire.  It took me about  3.50 hours, 1/2 a tank of gas and 4.75 years off my life.  Right there it was worth it 'cause I'm not gonna live to be 99 anymore and Bank of America isn't going to get all their money!

Thanks to everyone who came to the Tophatter Auction on Saturday!