Monday, June 25, 2012

Bank of Evil

funny gifs

I'm not sure if I told y'all or not that back in May, Bank of The Anti-Christ Bank of America granted us a "permanent" mortgage modification. While it is not a fantastic deal, I do very much appreciate that they have waived their late fees and will allow us to continue to pay for the house until 2052.  I'll be 99 years old when the house is paid off.  Then I can retire.

One stipulation with the modification was that the documents needed to be signed and our first "new" payment, in the form of a cashier's check, HAD TO BE RECEIVED BY JUNE 1, 2012.  As we received the packet on May 15th and I was leaving for Pennsylvania on May 24th, it was a little bit of a scurry to get it all together.  The documents were signed and returned by FedEx on May 17th and on May 18th, I went to the bank for the cashier's check.  After that, I noted our account number on the check, attached a copy of the letter Bank of America had sent us, then mailed it certified mail - return receipt requested to the address noted in the mailing.  Several days later I got the return receipt back and confirmation from FedEx that everything was delivered in plenty of time.  I could relax and enjoy my trip.

Yeah, right!.  Bank of Satan Bank of America had ordained that relaxation after almost four years of stress and struggle wasn't going to happen just yet.

On Tuesday, June 12th, I get a call at work from Sandy at ABC Bank.  She is holding a cashier's check made out to Bank of America from me that came to her branch of ABC Bank without any other information except a form letter from BOA stating they can't identify the account number to which the check is supposed to be applied.  I don't bank at Sandy's branch of ABC Bank.  That branch isn't anywhere near my home or office.  WTF?  Panic sets in.  I leave work to get the check then spend the next 1.5 hours on the phone with Satan's Minions several Bank of America employees until I'm finally given someone with two functioning brain cells - Ms. Smart.  She apparently is my Account Manager. She assures me that all will be well, not to worry!  She tells me to trot on over to my local BoA branch here in Hell and I can give them the payment.  She is very calm as I'm still trying to put the fire out on my head and stop my brains from leaking out my ear.  I ask Ms. Smart to put in writing what she has just told me about the "permanent" modification not being in jeopardy because one of Bank of America's cretins copied the account number I'd written on the check wrong on the same check and that the payment would be applied today.  Ms. Smart would send me an email with all that information on it.  Not to worry!  Off I go into the gaping maw of darkness of my local Bank of America.

The teller was very laid back, she smiled a beatific smile as she told me she was sorry but she couldn't accept my payment because Beelzebub's children the Home Retention Dept. hadn't updated my loan in the system.  Since my hair started to ignite again, she suggested I get Ms. Smart on the phone.  I got Ms. Smart on the first try (maybe there is a God!), she chatted with Ms. Prozac for a bit but the bottom line was I couldn't make the payment there.  (It will be possibly two more months before the Home Retention Dept. gets around to updating things.  They're very busy pulling out the fingernails of the newly foreclosed.)

Ms Smart then suggests that she take the payment over the phone.  That's a BRILLIANT IDEA but how will I instantaneously transform this cashier's check in my hand back into money in my account?  Ms Smart (no wonder she's an assistant to The Prince of Fucking Darkness The President and CEO of Bank of America!) tells me to go to my branch of ABC Bank, they will null and void it then put the money back in my account.  I have approximately an hour to do this.

At my branch of ABC Bank, Mr. Rip Van Winkle is in front of me.  He has woken up and is now catching up on 20 years worth of banking.  My bank, not being as prestigious as Bank of America, has only one teller working.  The manager, while helpful and apparently on the same medication as Ms Prozac, can't fix the check situation, I must wait for the teller. *sigh*

To make a long story longer, I got it all done just under the wire.  It took me about  3.50 hours, 1/2 a tank of gas and 4.75 years off my life.  Right there it was worth it 'cause I'm not gonna live to be 99 anymore and Bank of America isn't going to get all their money!
Smiley from
Thanks to everyone who came to the Tophatter Auction on Saturday!

9 blew out from under the bed:

Ron said...

"Right there it was worth it 'cause I'm not gonna live to be 99 anymore and Bank of America isn't going to get all their money!"

Bwhahahahahhahaha! BRAVA, Nitebyrd!!!

I cannot BELIEVE you had to go through all this CRAP to finally get that check to them. I would have been FUMING!

It's funny because while I still lived in Florida I banked with Bank of America for many years and was so disappointed when I moved back east and discovered that they did not have any branches here, so I had to transfer my money into another bank. And after reading about your fiasco with them, I'm glad I didn't stay with Bank of America!

Anyway, glad this FINALLY worked out for you!

X ya, Sis!

Anonymous said...

OMG that is absolutely infuriatingly frustrating! I am glad you were able to get it taken care of though. Retiring at 99 made me laugh though but kind of sadly

Incidentally someone stole a check from my moms mailbox for one thousand dollars, took it to bank of america HER BANK and got it cashed without signing anything or showing ID!!!!! It is nice to see there is at least one employee with a brain. I sometimes doubt it

Dianne said...

you write so billiantly!!
this made me feel a lot better
our 2nd mortgage is with BofA and they are killing me
they will taunt and haunt for $5
greedy lying bastards

it's no wonder they make so many mistakes and are so behind in updating things, they're busy defending themselves from all the corruption charges

but hey, it's not like the banking system in this country needs any regulating

love ya

CrystalChick said...

Love the photos and the wonderful way you wrote this post, but holy crap hon, what total BS you are dealing with!! We have a credit card with BoA but thankfully nothing else. Here's hoping that there won't be any other issues. And I wish you a winning lotto ticket so you can go on an extended vaca. xo

Akelamalu said...

FFS how do they manage to stay in business???? Glad to hear you 'eventually' got it sorted. x

UP said...

I am trying NOT to laugh, but you're killin' me here! A FTW moment made into humor...ur awesome dudess!

And, not to worry, I'll pay mi casa off at the age of 88, of course I won't be able to climb to the UPstairs floor where all the bathrooms are...I see a very messy future for all of us.

Love ya, and sorry I've not stopped by in a while; drama, trauma, and Mama. KWIM?



nitebyrd said...

Ron ~ Thanks, bro! I got this problem taken care of but I have no doubt that BoA will be trying to kill me again. And again. And again ...

Trixie ~ I hope that your mother was able to get BoA to return her money without having her jump through hoops. I don't deal with any other bank but my own on a regular basis and they seem fine. Right now. I do know if Bank of America was the only bank on earth, I'd be burying a coffee can in the backyard instead of dealing with them.

Dianne ~ If Satan ran a bank, it'd be Bank of America. I'm absolutely sure of it. Thank you for the wonderful compliment. I wrote this while I was doing a slow burn and didn't proof-read much. I've been reading about all the lawsuits against BoA and how many have been won. I may have to look further into filing one if they continue to dick me around. Refinance with someone else if you can!

CrystalChick ~ I must remember to buy lottery tickets. That would probably help me win, right? LOL As I told Ron, Bank of America is bound to fuck around again, it's their nature. Sad, but true. Get rid of the credit card! NOW! ;)

Akelamalu ~ They stay in business because the US government bails 'em out! Either that or they sell the kidneys of employees that don't try to drive customers insane!

UP ~ Laugh and don't feel badly. I have to laugh at all that goes on because if I didn't my head would explode. Sometimes I can feel it cracking so I either laugh or cry. Laughing is better. I won't have to worry about bathrooms, no upstairs here! You need to get one of those stair elevators like Polly Holliday had in Gremlins! Don't apologize for not stopping by. I totally understand - I've got the same problem and a recent computer crash to boot!!!

Gorilla Bananas said...

99 is a good age for a human. A lot of wisdom is accumulated in those wrinkles. I think you should plan on surviving to 99, so your next of kin can move into a debt-free property and honour your memory.

Sorrow said...

holy shit.
is there no end?
I swear everyone should kick a kick in the ass or a smack in the head from some unseen force every time they are a dumb ass.
wouldn't that straighten up 99% of the population of this damn planet.