Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Beach Bummed

I hate the beach.  Yeah, I know, someone in Kansas is calling me un-American right now.  When I was young, I enjoyed going to the beach.  Atlantic City and Jones Beach were awesome when you live in the North East and have winter. You need the beach after freezing rain, snow and slush.  Sometime after graduating high school, the beach lost its appeal for me.

Living in Florida, it's tough to avoid the beach but I've managed to do it for 20+ years.  I went a few years ago but that visit didn't involve any beach-y frolicking and it did include beer, so it wasn't too bad.  Two weeks ago, I wasn't so lucky.

Every once in a while I get together with two old friends.  We have a regular "girl's weekend".  Calling us "girls" is a stretch but we'll go with it.  This time we went over to the west coast of  Florida to Sanibel Island. Of course, this involved going to the beach.  For me it was almost like childbirth - I forgot about the pain and horror until I found myself in the delivery room ... again!

(THIS IS NOT ME!)

There I was in a bathing suit (THAT'S where the HORROR!!! comes in), sunscreened to my eyeballs walking on sand as hot as Satan's balls, to enjoy all the pleasures "the beach" has to offer.  We spent two hours sweating our tits off lazing in the water and doing "beachy" things. Without alcohol, I might add!  Two hours was enough time for me to get sand in every orifice (and I mean EVERY! SINGLE! ONE!)   I managed to get attacked by some kind of semi-transparent baby fish that caused my friends to think I'd finally lost my mind 'cause they kept trying to nibble on my legs and toes, causing me to fly out of the water like my ass was on fire every so often.  The fish didn't bother my friends at all!  I also got bit by some venomous insect that caused me to scratch my thigh so much I raised a bruise that looked like I got hit with a 100-mph fast-ball.  And last but not least, I got the worst sunburn on my back and shoulders that I've ever had, EVER!!!
Sanibel Island Lighthouse

You recall that I did use sunscreen.  Well, apparently profuse sweating and salt water diminish the effectiveness of sunscreen.  WTF! do I know about sunscreen? No beach - 20+ years!  I usually avoid the sun like the plague which means, I'm not really a sunscreen expert.

Oh! The PAIN! My ass didn't hurt but my back did.  I carried Bactine and aloe with me everywhere.  I asked total strangers to apply them to my back.  The ITCHING! I slept with a body brush so it was handy when I woke up in an itching frenzy.  The PEELING!  I had enough skin come off my back and shoulders to make Ed Gein a prom dress.  ACK!

I birthed two children.  After the second, I remembered why I waited eight years in between.  I'm pretty damn sure that eight years for my next beach visit won't be long enough.  I'm striving for a least another 20.


Sanibel Beach
Smiley from millan.net

15 blew out from under the bed:

Red Shoes said...

LMBO...

I love Sanibel Island... it's been a long time since I've been there. I am sure the area where I have been has all been 'built up' by now.

~shoes~

Jack Napier said...

I miss the Jersey Shore. It has been a couple of years since I have seen the beach...anywhere.

Ron said...

Nitebyrd, this post was HILARIOUS!

I watched video the TWICE!

Bwhahahahahhahaha!

And I hear ya, I am SO NOT a beach person! Oddly enough though, I enjoy the beach during the fall and winter months when you can just walk along the sand; enjoying a nice cloudy day.

X ya, Sis!

Akelamalu said...

Sunburn is horrendous, though I haven't been sunburned since I was a child. I love the beach and the sun - I always use P20 once a day, it's fabulous, it is waterproof and only comes off with soap. You have to be careful to cover every millimeter of skin that will be exposed to the sun though.

wendy said...

Oh crap, what a rotten Beach experience. Kinda ruins the romantic images in my head of sand and beach, water, bikinis, etc.
Sunburns are the worst things ever....I haven't had one in years though, I never am really OUT in the sun....the HOT SUN that much.
Maybe you better move up here to Alberta, Canada...no beaches here (tee,hee)

always good to hear from you.

BlacknickSculpture said...

Sorry to hear of your sand & sun horrors. I love the beach! I live a block a way and visit it almost every day. But I don't do the blanket and beach chair deal. I take my walk along the shore and then head out.

Indi said...

I love the beach although we have to drive a fair way and what with British weather doing the cold, warm wet game... sun burn as rottenstuff to deal with, have you tried Aloeverato soothe the heat and reduce the itch?


Indi


x

Rob said...

I remember the one visit you mentioned that was pleasent ..it was the day we meet

nitebyrd said...

Red Shoes ~ Sanibel is one of my favorite places, even though it has a beach! Local island laws don't allow for much building so it's been pretty much the same forever. Many hotel improvements but not not new structures. Nice to see you!

Jack Napier ~ I loved Atlantic City. It was well before gambling and Snooki, so it was very cool for a kid. Gimme a mountain and a forest, I'm much happier than on a beach.

Ron ~ Can you imagine when they show that video to the kid!?! Holy Crap!!! The beach is nice when it's cool and you don't have to get wet and/or sweat, I'll agree with you there!

Akelamalu ~ It was horrendous!!! I haven't been burned like that in over 30 years. If I ever go to the beach again, without wild horses dragging me, I will research sunscreen and large hats! Thanks for stopping by!

Wendy ~ Canada sounds good. But y'all have snow. I like snow about as much as I like the beach. I am one hard person to please. Just imagine sand in a place where sand should never, ever go and that will take all the romance out of the beach - forever! LOL

Blacknick Sculpture ~ I know that most people love the beach. Perhaps is I lived right near it, I'd be more inclined to enjoy it. I do like walking on it when it's not hot as hell and there is a breeze but the whole bathing suit-swimming deal in Florida in mid-August makes me feel faint. Aren't you excited? Halloween is almost here!

Indi ~ I used about a gallon of aloe gel along with ice packs. If you can believe it, my back is still red-ish!

Rob ~ Hello, hun! That day was my best beach day! It was overcast, cool and watching the lightning way out was amazing. I still giggle to myself when I think about that story of the guy with the car getting hit by lightning. You made the beach wonderful!

ZomBee said...

BWAHAHAHA
Loved the Ed Gein reference!
Ive done the beach and I agree it holds no real appeal to me either.
boring as hell sitting in the heat with sand invading all kinds of personal space.
nah
Ill take room service please.

flying solo said...

I love this post... you crack me up !! Despite your pain you spin a damn good yarn.

☼Illuminary☼ said...

Sister, you and me, we can avoid it for all eternity!
amen!

Random Girl said...

I'm with you, I hate the damn beach too, but not for the same reason as you of course lol. Our beaches are cold and windy, yuck!

CrystalChick said...

This sounds almost like what a day at the beach would be for me too. We're only an hour from the shore points here in NJ. When we go, I alway prefer just walking on the boardwalk, going to a casino, having dinner ... never sitting on the beach or doing any activities there. We used to get 'free' mini vacations in Sea Isle a couple days a year when hub's sister would share her townhouse with us. I would enjoy the beach for as long as it took to see the kids make a sand castle, and take a few photos. Then I would start to wonder how long I'd have to sit and be sociable before I could head back for a shower. One year, I found a cool coffee shop not too far away and was in BLISS! Music, reading, chai lattes... the best the beach had to offer! LOL

UP said...

I love the beach for a few days, but after a while, all that sand...gosh, you can taste it.

I'm a mountain man, myself!

UP