Monday, March 3, 2008

Live Lizard Birth!

Thank you, Hillary for letting me know the origin of this piece. It's unfortunate that sometimes (most times?) the internet is like the old game "Telephone."

The author of this is a very funny writer, Bruce Cameron. You can find out more about him
HERE and read the original piece HERE. He also is the author of another absolutely hysterical column that is circulating on the 'net - The Chili Judge.


Okay, gang - I know y'all are chomping at the bit for more of my sexual escapades but I just got this and damn near peed myself I was laughing so hard. I'm actually working on another "real" blog but for the time being, I hope you enjoy this as much as I did.

lizard sex

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. 'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?' I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!' 'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.' 'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!' I was equally outraged. 'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife. 'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically)! 'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth). 'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed. 'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm). By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. 'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth..' 'Oh, gross!' they shrieked. 'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. 'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted. 'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified. 'Do something, Dad!' my son urged. 'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. 'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know 'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house) ? 'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. 'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged. 'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake. ). The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. 'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically. 'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?' I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. 'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked. 'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor.. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this. 'So, Ernie's just . just . . excited,' my wife offered. 'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle . And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. 'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just .that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . teeny little . . ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. 'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay. 'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me. 'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140. One cage: $50. Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!

18 blew out from under the bed:

Casdok said...

Priceless!! :)

RONJAZZ said...

Very funny, honey!...I lived on a farm for six years. I helped pull a few calves in my day. It's still an astounding thing to see. Not like lizards, of course, but still quite a thing.

Ron said...

Oh Missy...you ALWAYS have the BEST DAMN POSTS!!!

This was hysterical!!!

I had no idea where this story was going...and as I got towards the end...I almost pissed myself!

I would have LOVED to seen the expression on that lizard's face! STRESSED??? That's because he was probably doing it all afternoon!

Love the photo too, Nitebyrd. GREAT post!

PB said...

I needed that laugh like a fish needs water!!! Thank you, Thank you!!!

lizard's winkie... giggles...

PB

Jeff B said...

Cold blooded my ass. I'd say that lizard was definitely of the hot blooded variety!

Great story.

DJ Kirkby said...

Got a bit confused when the kid started calling you dad, der...then I got my head round the fact that it wasn't about and quite enjoyed it....though I did wonder what was inside that Lizard as I knew they layed eggs.

Vi's Biggest Fan!!! said...

ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *wipes tear* OH that is soooooo funny!!! Thanks for sharing! :-D xx

John-Michael said...

An "ALL-TIME-GREAT"!!!!!

This is a KEEPER, without reservation.

Thanks for a delightful start to the day (now that I'm back home and work is done!)

JRM said...

ROTFL!!!!! I saw that coming but it's still hysterical!!!!

Chopski said...

I suppose he should be grateful that he never said "I can feel it coming now!" or words to that effect!!

having my cake said...

Having just watched four episodes of David Attenborough's Life in Cold Blood, I should have known that lizards lay eggs but I never saw that coming :)

My son had two geckos but one died. He begged me to purchase another as they are social animals and will die without a mate. So, reluctantly, I bought another female and put it in the cage. The following day, the new arrival had bitten the entire tail off the original gecko and eaten it! They were put into separate cages but the injured animal only lasted a few more days. So we are left with Hannibal Lector who will live out its days in solitary!

Ms Leather N Pearls said...

I loved the story ... I bet it will be remembered & retold for many years to come. No doubt the boys will enjoy sharing in the laughter when they grow up.

Vi said...

Oh please don't make me laugh...it hurts too much! lol

Spiky Zora Jones said...

that made me LMAO...I was wiping tears from my eyes...hehehe.
I so have to show this to someone...thanks for the laugh. hehehe

Jackie Adshead said...

Great story! love it!! They don't teach this sort of thing in biology class! Pity..........

SweetAnnee said...

Priceless!!
ROFL.

deena

Indigo said...

Very funny, bloody hilarious, I helped milk 300 fresian cows last Sunday aftternoon, and have too worked on a farm, can't beat gettin crapped on by animals, makes a change from people! Anyway the birth of any new creature is amazing.. miracle! Egg or otherwise..'Amazin'

Hilary said...

Oh dear.. credit where it's due...

This brilliant piece of work was authored by W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com a columnist and author (8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daugher .. among others) and was written about hamsters (Birth of a Hamster), not lizards. Cameron is one of my all time favourite columnists.. and possibly one of the most quoted without attribution. I've been on his mailing list for years and most of his work is about as funny as this one.

I know it came to you in an email, and it certainly wasn't your intention to post it uncredited if you had known. Please honour this author by giving him attribution on your site. You can find the original work here. http://www.thefamilycorner.com/parenting/dads/hamster.shtml

Nice blog you have here.. gonna bookmark it and revisit. :)

Thanks