Monday, August 9, 2010
*** WARNING! I AM GOING TO INSULT PEOPLE THAT CALL THEMSELVES “GOOD CHRISTIANS” IN THIS POST. IF THAT’S GOING TO BOTHER YOU THEN YOU’D BETTER FUCK OFF RIGHT NOW!!! ***
I’ve never been a “people person”. As a child, I was painfully shy and had been made to feel second rate by my mother and sister. I only had a few BFF’s in my early and teenage years. And only one very close friend in college. I’m skeptical, wary, cynical and cautious. I never want to be in the spotlight so I spend a lot of time observing. Let me tell you, most of the time the view sucks ass. People are pathetic as a group. There are some individuals that I like very much and some that I even love, but I don’t have a dearth of friendships or even acquaintances. The mourners at my funeral will all be able to come in a mini-van. Since becoming a zombie, my inclination to make additional in –person/real life friends is nil. If y’all watch “Dexter” you’ll understand when I say I identify with him. The total lack of emotion he has resonates with me. Dexter has to fake normal human emotions in business and social situations. It’s truly mentally and physically exhausting. I do the same. Now, before you get your shorts all up in a knot, I’m not a psychopath. I haven’t killed anyone … yet. I just have no emotions and must pretend. It is a totally tiring process, which leads me to why I hate people and why you’d better watch your ass when someone says they’re a “good Christian.” My observation is, if they have to tell you that then they probably aren’t.
Years ago, I used to be a human and was an excellent sales person. I could sell thousands of dollars worth of “limited edition collector plates”. If someone could sell that shit, they could sell anything. Recently, I began selling BeautiControl products because I really like them and believe in them. I don’t get all fanatical about them but will chat them up if someone is interested. This is a multi-level marketing scheme like all that stuff – Tupperware, Juice Plus, Slumber Parties, etc. I’m not interested in “building a team” – see the “I hate people” references. But I will do the occasional home party when asked.
I was asked by a young school teacher to host a Spa Party at her church. I agreed, sent her all the necessary info, called her to follow-up, etc. I did what I am supposed to do. She also did exactly what she was supposed to. The day before, I called her to get a count of attendees. She told me she had 10 RSVP’s. I arrived promptly at the arranged time and waited 30 minutes for the rest of her guests. Two guests besides the hostess arrived. One of those guests brought her 12 year old daughter. I went on with the Spa, demonstrating, answering questions – in short doing my job with a smile. Both of her guests booked a Spa. Each one was given three little gifts for booking the party. One of the guests ordered some product but had no money. I agreed to wait (not giving her the product – I might be a zombie but I ain’t stupid!) until the following Friday when she got paid. She never called. Both women scheduled their parties this past weekend. At the end of the evening, I got prayed over so that Jesus would cure me of smoking and take away my hot flashes. (Being the Godless bitch that I am, can you imagine the look on my face!?!) I’m open minded and although I knew Jesus probably had better things to do and doesn't want to mess with Mother Nature, I went along with it. (Still smoking through my hot flashes as I write this.)
I once again sent the two confirmed hostesses their info, called to follow-up, left voice mail messages because they didn’t answer their phones, etc. Again, did what I’m supposed to do. *crickets* Tuesday, I once again called each lady. The one who answered her phone said she was still trying to get a hold of her pastor to see if she could use the church to hold the Spa. I told her to please call me by Thursday to let me know. She makes no mention of the fact that she still owes money for the product she’s ordered from the original party. In the meantime, a woman who I’ve never waxed before called me for an appointment on Friday at 2:00 for waxing.(I don't know if she is a "Christian" but she pissed me off so I'm putting her in this "I Hate People" post.) The second Spa lady still hasn’t called me and now it’s Wednesday. Call again, leave another message.
Thursday comes and goes, nothing from the first Spa lady, whose party is on Friday. I will not call again. This ain’t baseball, you don’t get three strikes with me. I get up very early Friday to do some house cleaning and get ready for the waxing. I’m all set by 2:00 and I sit down with DJ Kirkby’s book “Without Alice” to wait. At 4:00, I call the Saturday Spa lady again and leave another message. The waxing lady hasn’t called or shown up. I unplug the wax pot. At least my floors got washed and carpets got vacuumed, so it wasn’t a total loss.
Saturday at 10:00 am, I call the woman who is supposed to have the Spa that day. I leave a voice mail that I need to hear from her by 3:00 or the party will be cancelled. At 3:17 she calls me to tell me, she’s sorry and that, “Yes! The party is still on!”. I make all my preparations and show up at her house at the scheduled time. She tells me she doesn’t know how many guests she’ll have as she hasn’t gotten any RSVP’s. (I’m truly glad that I didn’t have a weapon handy.) I had prepared for 10 people. She then informs me that her 12 year old daughter is having a sleep-over that night and she knows the mothers of 2 girls will be coming. At the time the party is supposed to happen, she asks me if she should call her invitees since no one has shown up. *sigh*. The woman who was supposed to have a Spa on Friday, the same one that never bothered to pay for the product she ordered, was also supposed to come to this party. She didn’t (her excuse was, she was dog sitting) and I still have heard from her.
Fifteen minutes later, the two mothers of the sleep-over girls show up, one has a 10 and 8 year old, the other a 2.5 year old. I now am the entertainment for the sleep-over. Before I start, the hostesses begins with a prayer. Luckily, it was silent ‘cause they sure as hell didn’t what to know what I was saying. I go through my performance for three women and four little girls. Needless to say, I had no orders from this party but really didn’t care. I have no desire to see any of these women again.
So you can see my weekend was just ducky.
When I was young someone told me about The Golden Rule, it made sense. Even being an antisocial type of person, I figured that was a good rule to follow in life. I also was told that God made us in his image and that Jesus died for our sins. If we’re made in God’s image then he must know we have good and evil in us, right? Our job should be to minimize the evil and maximize the good. Free will and all that. If Jesus died for our sins then what’s the point of praying to God to forgive us? Do people pray to God on Sunday to forgive them for fucking people over all week and have a fresh start on Monday? The “church ladies” told me that I must open my heart to find Jesus. Well, my shriveled little heart is open but I don’t hang out in prison or rehab so I haven’t “found” him yet. They also adamantly disagreed with me when I said that I believe that God is Allah, Jehovah, Buddha, etc. “No, no” they said. Their God was God and his son was Jesus.
My point is, if you don’t go to church, if you never “find” Jesus, if you live your life trying to do what’s right, will God forsake you? Or, will God love you because you spoke to him in the beauty of the world or in a hospital room or on a battlefield or on top of a mountain and he knows you tried to live in what you understood to be his image? I don’t know. The “church ladies” have a definite theory about it but I’m not inclined to take it to heart because they couldn’t live, in my opinion, by one very simple rule.