Wednesday, November 10, 2010

A Question? For Y'all


My son has finally moved out on his own. (Can I get an AMEN!) He also has a conundrum so I thought I'd ask my readers for their opinion.

Bubba is not perfect but he's not totally hopeless either. He has a lot to learn about living on his own, managing money and managing his partying. One of the HUGE mistakes I made in child rearing is that I wasn't one of those Suzy Homemaker mothers that let the kids help in the kitchen or make attempts at cleaning, etc. I was a working mother and I just didn't have the time or patience. Anyway, my son's dilemma has nothing to do with that other than his room might terrify potential bed-mates if he keeps it the way he did at home. I've told him this and he knows HOW to keep things neat and tidy it's just WILL he.

His problem is that he is attracted to a friends sister. She is attracted to him. They've hooked up and have slept together. He is worried that his friend is going to be angry. All of my son's male friends have told him that dating and sleeping with his friend's sister is, and I quote, “Fucked up!” I don't understand why. I know I'm his mother but I've seen him with his girlfriends, he's very caring and loving. He never cheated on a girlfriend, he takes them out to dinner and he pays, he buys gifts and is willing to go to the mall with them. I just don't get why it would be a problem. When I was young, dating friends brothers or sisters was no big deal.

What do y'all think?


Update ~ CrossFit is going well. Even my toes hurt. I do have to convince myself everyday to actually go there because I haven't hit that “work out high” everyone talks about. I'm extremely awkward but have been assured that I'll improve with time. Pray for me

♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ 

We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.
  ~Cynthia Ozick

Thank you to all our veterans.

26 blew out from under the bed:

Dee said...

Well, I don't know what the kids are talking about. I don't see anything wrong with him going with his friends sister....I would tell him to be up front with his friend tell him how he feels and how his sister feels and he needs to promise to treat his sister right. I would think that this should be the right thing to do....just tell him NOT to talk with the "guys" how great she was in bed...etc..and all the things that guys do that are stupid...this may not go well with his friend.
Just my two cents...

Heff said...

SON WILL BE BACK !

Mark my word, lol.

Thanks for stopping back by !

Riff Dog said...

I've never seen the big deal about dating friend's sisters. I'd tell him not to worry about it.

Also tell him that if his friend does get weird, then advise the friend that trying to get his sister *not* to see your son will only make her want him more. So the friend's best option is to chill.

But again, I don't think it's going to be a big deal.

Ron said...

Honestly? I don't understand what the big deal is. I have to agree with what Dee shared - to be up front with his friend; telling him how he feels. He may just be very surprised to discover that his friend see's nothing wrong with dating his sister. Your sons friends are planting 'negative seeds' in his head before he even knows how his friend will react.

I say, just share with your son to be up front about it.

BTW...I am so happy to hear that Crossfit is going well!

You GO, Sis!

X ya!

Sunny said...

There is something about dating sisters/brothers/friends these days. Its definately changed since we were younger. I dunno why it is for sure but from what I've seen its seen as some sort of betrayal. I don't pretend to understand it, in fact I just scratched my head a lot in confusion during my kids teen years.

I just finished my 12 sessions with the personal trainer. I'm looking for something else. Whats this crossfit you speak of?? I was gonna try this thing called Orange Theory that we have down here. Its like damn boot camp from what I hear.

Well done honey! When the toes hurt, its working!

Fat Controller said...

We thought our eldest had finally flown about 2 years ago but HE'S BACK as of next monday :-(

Looking at your problem from the other side of things, our daughter has been dated by several of his friends and it doesn't seem to have caused any problems at all. They're still all good friends, even after they've broken up again.

Barefoot Dreamer said...

the reason it could go poorly is if he doesn't treat the sis with respect. if he "screws her over" or ends it poorly....then the bro is going to get defensive and angry (as a bro should).

As long as he keeps it on the up and up and if he ends it, has a little sit down with the bro to explain his position before hand.

must be handled wih great respect.

Akelamalu said...

I don't see anything wrong with your son dating his friend's sister. Surely if they like each other it's nothing to do with anyone else. The only problem I can forsee would be if they split up his friend may not take kindly to his sister being upset.

I'm praying for you on the cross trainer. I've had to take a week off from the gym as I've hurt my foot. :(

God bless Veterans, I thank them all for my freedom.

Anonymous said...

Personally I think friends' brothers and sisters are kind of the best people to date. And it works both ways!

Wouldn't you rather your siblings were dating people you know and trust?

And wouldn't you rather date someone who has a trustworthy sibling you know?

My brother is dating a friend of mine.. I'm also good friends with her sister. And it's very happy!

Great way to do it I think. Hope his friends can get on board with it.

LGS xxx

Anonymous said...

guys know guys.....


and somethings there are things left unsaid

but in some cases, very few.... it works out to be ok..

Vixen said...

I think, IMO, that he really needed to have asked his friend, or least *talked* with his friend about wanting to date his sister. THAT is where I see an issue arising.

I'm with BFD on this one.....the situation needs to be handled with respect and care bc it's a friend of his.

~Kenny said...

It is not necessarily a disaster, but there are some potential pitfalls.

1) The old guy saying Bro's before Hoes..crude I know but the premise is sincere. Look out for your firends first. This is a conflict when it involves a friend's sister

2) The other potential pitfall is causing jealousy and confusion between two siblings. Two peopl in the same family vying for the attention of the same outsider. It has the potential to be divisive.

Finally, no normal guy wants to think of their sister as a sexual being. Look we know it happens obviously, but when it is some stranger its easy enough to put out of your head. When it is with some guy who you not only know , but might also know things about you that your sister does not know. Well then...sometimes...it can get weird.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Hi honey: I don't see a problem with it. I was attracted to a friends sister. Um...and he didn't mind it at all.

what is a...rule breaker is going with and sleeping with your friend's mother or...father.

later sweets.

Grump said...

Nothing wrong with it at all tell him to tell his friend and if the friend has a problem he should "Get over it".
Where as my son informs me he has a crush on his girlfriends older sister. I think she is a few years older. So say girlfriend is 16 older sister is 21. They are both very attractive, but the older one is a stunner.
OOOOOPs
xx

Sandra said...

I don't think it's fucked up at all. As a matter of fact, where else is he going to meet nice girls, if not through the good friends that he has. So what if it's their sisters.
Love the very first part where you announce he's moved out, and ask for an "Amen!" You are my kind of mother, right down to knowing that your son has sex. That's so grownup of you. I have so many friends who like to pretend their grown children don't have sexual organs....sigh...I'm going to be just like you!

Pallas Renatus said...

Honestly, most brothers (even older ones) are okay with this once they get past the initial "what?" and realize their friends are probably better bets than random strangers.

I tend to go with the direct approach. Have him sit down with the brother and a beer or two and say "your sister and I want to date". Odds are he'll like that his friend went through the effort of breaking it to himself. The rest of the friends will stop caring and accept it quickly enough.

Distracted said...

I think the issue might be with the "hooking up". Like Kenny said above, no one wants to think of their sister banging away.

If they decide to tell, they may want to change the word choice. "We're dating." "We like each other." "I'm crazy about her". Those may make it less tempting for the brother to want to throw fists.

Pallas Renatus said...

I forgot to include what Distracted said above. Careful word choice is a necessity; no need to talk about what has or hasn't happened in the bedroom.

Anonymous said...

this post is very usefull thx!

Indi said...

nitebyrd ~ has it come to this?
If we don't date because of mates, cousins, best friends.. bloody hell we'd never fricken date anyone. I agree be up front with his girlfriends brother/sister whatever relation.. but in the end it shouldn't matter should it? Si you're son's moved out? How did you maage that, mine still lives at home, he's 23 and off to Canada on Monday for 2 weeks, flyin alone.. I will worry for him, but bein a mother whatever age they are is hard work eh? Keep up the good work with the crossfit thingy ;) You're brave! I'm just knakkered.

Indi

xxx

Jennie @ Modern Mamaz said...

I don't see any problem. EVERYTHING at that age is a BIG DEAL!! His friends will be pissed for a few weeks, then they'll untuck their wieners and grow up.

nitebyrd said...

Dee ~ I told him to talk to his friend. That could be the brother's concern, that he'll tell his other friends about her. I don't think he will but he has to assure his friend. Thanks for stopping by!

Heff ~ Well, aren't you just a ray of fucking sunshine! LOL Yeah, I figure he will but hopefully not until we tile and paint his room!

Riff ~ Thanks. I was wondering if it might be a guy thing or a generational thing. Most of the women I spoke to didn't think it was a big deal but the younger men, did!

Ron ~ I'm so freakin' sore right now! This old body hasn't exercised in YEARS! What a shock! LOL Yes, I think he should be up front about it and thank you for your input.

Sunny ~ It is weird. I forgot to mention she has a 2 year old daughter. That could be part of the reason. Click on the words CrossFit in my last post and it will take you to my "box". (No, not THAT one!) It is KILLER exercise but I like it 'cause it's fast.

FC ~ Oh! I'm sorry! LOL It's good to hear that they're still friends. I'm hoping for the best in this situation. Thank you!

BD ~ Yes, respect is VERY important. Reports from other parents is that my son is a "gentleman", a quality he doesn't have at home usually. He does have a good heart, even if he is my kid, I think he's an okay guy. Thanks, girl!

Akelamalu ~ Thank you. I hope you're foot is feeling better. It's very tough training but it's not boring and goes quickly. I like that. Yes, the break-up part could be sticky. In his last couple of relationships, he did the breaking-up but the girls seemed okay with it. He's friendly with one, still.

Lady Grinning Soul ~ Thanks for stopping by! I hope his friend can understand it and be okay with it. He doesn't want to lose a friend AND be dating his ex-friend's sister!

Sir Thomas ~ Yes, what you say is true. I, like every mother, doesn't want to think her son is a "dog" so, I'm going on past experience and think he's a good man. Could be a little better at housekeeping, though! Thanks!

Vixen ~ He did make tentative attempts at talking to his friend but wasn't really straightforward, which he should have been. His friend's sister has already told her brother she wants to go out with my son. I'm not sure what that discussion lead to. Thank you!

Kenny ~ There's a lot going on between the three of them and their mutual friends, I believe. The fact that she has a child could also be a major part of the whole thing. I do appreciate your comments very much. Thanks!

Spiky ~ Thank you, beautiful! So far I haven't had to contend with any "Stacy's Mom" situations! LOL

Grump ~ LOL! I think my son's father gets a little thrill out of seeing the girls that come over every so often, too. No worries there as long as it's just looking. Your son has excellent taste apparently! (Like his father?) Thanks!

nitebyrd said...

Sandra ~ I was always very honest and open with both my kids about sex, from the time they were little. Visit my blog on Sunday, I'm writing a post for SCARLETEEN. It's a very sex-positive site for parents, tweens, teens and beyond. I seriously wish we had something like SCARLETEEN when I was a teenager and when my kids were growing up. It's FABULOUS! I'm very glad he's on his own (Finally!) it was time. Now just keeping him there! LOL Thanks, girl!

Pallas Renatus ~ Thank you! It is important that he and his friend talk. I've urged him to do this quickly. My son isn't a "player" and he'll be good to her. His friend just has to know it.

Distracted ~ Hey, girl! Thanks, it's good to see you! No, I don't think he'll want to discuss the sex part with his friend. They've all hung out together for years, the attraction is new. I hope his friend knows that my son is a good guy by this time!

Anon ~ You're welcome.

Indi ~ I don't understand it but it could be because maybe the father of her child is a shit. My son doesn't know the "baby daddy" so he can't say. He moved out because another friend of his owns a house and needed a new roommate. Will it last? I can't say but it's good experience for him and very nice for me. Yours will find his way, I'm sure. It's hard for them because everything is so damn expensive and you know, they like to party! I worry about both my kids even my married daughter but that's what mothers do, right? LOL Hope you son has a safe trip and fun in Canada! Thank you, sweetie!

Jennie ~ One of the problems at that age is that their weiners are ALWAYS untucked and ready for action! LOL You have so much to look forward to! ;)
Thank you for coming by!

CrystalChick said...

AMEN on the move out! hehe
As for the question... my daughter was living with a girlfriend and hooked up with her brother with no trouble from her girlfriend. Four years later she married the guy and everyone is cool about it!

Many years ago, my sister started dating her girlfriend's brother and they eventually got married as well. The marriage is still going strong but the sister no longer speaks to her.

I suppose it just depends who is involved and how much communication there is.
I wish him the best, with his new place and the situation.

Ron said...

Hey Nitebyrd~

Just wanted to let you know that I read your above post, but there was no comment link to leave a comment.

FAB post! And I will now go over to Scarleteen and check it out.

Hope you had a super weekend!

X ya, Sis!

Red Shoes said...

I wonder what kind of social stigma would be associated with dating a friend's daughter...???

:oD

~shoes~